questions

Consult Construx #2

7:13:00 AMConstrux Nunchux


Thanks for joining us again in a series of public service posts, Consult Construx (or As cXnX Sees It), where we finally give back to the faithful Chux Chazerz with queries they know only one ridiculous website can quell.  We look forward to hearing from you soon!  Enjoy.

(This week's Construx Counsel consists of Paul, Ryan and Ian.)


Leslie B.
Youngsville, PA asks

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"


PAUL:  Thanks for your question Leslie! I know it must be tough to get an accurate answer to this question as you may imagine that it's more complicated than a quick answer. 

What most people don't know is that when you get scared half to death your name gets recorded and starts its long journey to Hell. Yes, Hell, the people who made the decision to handle it this were going to be more diplomatic but God was swamped with answering sports related prayers, speaking to politicians, and considering every request of him killing someone over something trivial. 

When the actual scaring takes place, when your heart jumps out of your chest and your body tingles that begins the long process of taking your name down and sending to through the magical process of getting it filed in Hell. 

Step 1: Being Scared

Once scared your name travels underground to incoming quality control. The IQC is the man who takes the request and makes sure your name is spelled correctly, and confirms your identity by googling you on his MacBook 666 (yes they have corporate sponsorship). Once he weighs the paper for consistency and checks the paper for any damages he signs off on them he sends them inner-office mail to receiving.

The man who runs receiving is actually John Hughes. Yes, Breakfast Club/Home Alone/Ferris Beuller's Day Off John Hughes. I'm not sure why he's in Hell either, I sent him an email (john.hughes@hell.com) but he never responded.   Anyways, the receiving department takes your name from the IQC department and sends it to the particular processing department according to your last name. For example your last name starts with B so it would be shipped to Processing 2b. 

Don't feel bad, I forget I'm dead too.


Processing then gets your name and enters it into the system. Every detail from blood type, favorite food, and how many times you've found change in the couch. The process is very thorough and detailed. A normal processing of a name can take anywhere from 6-12 weeks depending on age and experience.The system is slow depending on how many scares happened that day. You can imagine October is a busy month for processing so don't even bother them e-viting them to any themed office party or cake social - they wont respond.

After your name gets processed and it gets into the system it gets inspected by the data integrity clerk. To check the processors work for accuracy and proper spelling.

In case you haven't noticed Hell is very bureaucratic solely for the fact that it is Hell, and not made to be easy on anyone.

When the DIC (data integrity clerk) approves your file it gets put into a giant file to be sent to the big man himself ... Santa Clause. Santa runs your name through his data base to see your annual behavior index. If you fall into the nice pile you get filed under "nice" and if you were naughty you get filed under "naughty".
The nice pile get "rush" treatment as Satan wants first crack at your soul and the naughty pile gets put into a supplementary bin to handle any run-over need for souls.

this might take me a little while ...

 The people's names who were scared half to death and that were judged to be naughty gets put into a giant fishbowl in Satan's rec room (which is a constant source of conversation during parties). Once you name is in the fishbowl your soul/life are on borrowed time. Once you get scared half to death again ....




Ryan T.
your mom, asks

"Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny?"



RYAN: What a fantastic question! Thanks, Ryan. I realize this question may be different depending on who you ask, but because of Bugs Bunny and my back story I feel I may be able to answer this question best. If this gets awkward, I apologies. Feel free to accept my answer of yes, and if you want more please continue to read.

I will never forget the first time I saw Bugs Bunny as a women.. Of course when I saw this, I did not realize she was in fact Bugs Bunny in drag. I just thought it was a beautiful women. At the time, I thought "she" was the most beautiful women I had ever laid eyes on (since Jessica Rabbit, I may need mental help). Unlike my buddies who also found "her" attractive, I felt I would take it to the next level. Sure, like my friends I could of spent the rest of my life wondering what could of been or I could of taken action. And that is exactly what I did.

Luckily for me I knew the owner of George P. Dog. (If you don't recall this character, it was the dog who Foghorn Leghorn would torment) He got me her number (Bugs) and it was not long after that we were talking on the phone. Within a week of talking we started hanging out.



Date in the woods. 
Date at my place 

After the second date I was on top of the world! I had a beautiful girl who was fun, smart and had an amazing sense of style. Until a week passed.... Nothing. I tried calling her and I kept getting her answering machine. This continued until I could no longer leave her messages. I assume that her machine was full. This did not stop me from calling. I kept trying. I didn't understand how I could share such a beautiful time with someone and open up the way I did and not hear back from them. After another week of calling, her machine was accepting new messages again. I knew that this meant she was around, and that she was okay. Clearly she checked her messages. So I called, and I left more messages. Sadly, I still received no response. I kept calling and calling and calling and got nothing once again until her machine was full yet again. I felt so defeated and used and decided I had to stop.

After a few months had passed, after dating a few other women I ended up deciding that I had to at least get closure. I carried my insecurities into all of the following relationships and I knew I had to do something. I needed closure.. Knowing that she would never give me the time to get this, I decided there was only one option. I would record a video and leave it outside her rabbit hole. This way I could get everything off of my chest, and move on... Sorry for the quality, the video is from a old VHS tape..



I would rather not discuss this any further... In short, yes. I did find Bugs Bunny attractive when he played a girl bunny. Thank you for your question, Ryan. We sincerely hope you continue to follow the site and ask more great questions in the future!.


Gabrielle B.
Pittsburgh, PA

I can't eat butter. How do you suggest I make my lobster rolls?

IAN:   The cool culinary cutthroats here at Construx definitely have a few suggestions for you.  First off, here's a link to our favorite recipe:  Click Here!

Wow!!! Did you see that?!

Now that we're back on the same page, what's to be done about the butter in your rolls.  Many recipes are composed in different ways, and there isn't even a consensus on what constitutes a lobster roll exactly.  Here's our version of the classic, complete with step by step instructions:



Got it?  Still confused?  Need a wet wipe?  Neither are we.  As it stands, there are no lobster roll police, which is a shame, but also means that you're free to make any substitutions on any constitutions you see fit.  Here's an example:


You don't even have to use lobster!!! Get creative, G!!!  Just as one final point, we do want to direct you to the closest **approved** historical approximation of the origination of lobsters. Here.













I can't believe it!!!  Twice in the same post!!! 


LOBSTER ROLL'D!!!

You Might Also Like

1 Construxive Remarx

  1. Thank you so much for the information regarding lobster rolls. I did not know that you could use your own throat as a mixing bowl. Very exciting. I will take your substitution suggestions as well. Follow-up: can I use food stamps to buy said langostinos? Also, can I borrow some food stamps?

    ReplyDelete

Whattya Think?! Lettuce Snow!!

Contact Form