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Construx Conspiratorz: Rachel Greene - Girl Problems

5:20:00 AMConstrux Nunchux

This is a dear friend of ours Rachel Greene from My Tiara’s Crooked she writes about everything from sex, to makeup, shoes, relationships all from a female perspective its like Cosmo but without the condescension and shame. Check it out or Ryan loses another toe.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Construx Nunchux (dba www.construxnunchux.com) does NOT condone, promote or endorse the torture of bunnies, rabbits, lagomorphs, or mammals of any size or relative cuteness.


Girl Problems

By Rachel Greene from My Tiara’s Crooked

It’s no secret. I have girl problems. Girl problems are very different than guy problems. Guy problems are like, “I got jizz on the toilet seat and floor instead of in the bowl” and “How do I get up from my desk with this raging hard-on to walk to the copier” or “My X-Box Live went out in the middle of a Resident Evil co-op mission.”

Girl problems though, are catastrophic. And by catastrophic I mean, only I give a flying shit about these things but they will manage to ruin my day. If you’re a male, you’ll do well to act like these things matter. Your dick getting sucked in the near future depends on you showing empathy and sympathy for the issues I’m about to posture. They are very real and devastatingly cataclysmic.

Girl Problem #1: Eyelashes

You may think that the purpose of eyelashes is much like eyebrows, to prevent dust and dirt particles from invading your cornea and causing massive amounts of irritation in your eye.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Eyelashes were placed on humans as torture devices to women. My son and both of my brothers have long, black, gorgeous eyelashes. What do I have? Long, BLONDE eyelashes, which requires me to invest in ungodly amounts of mascara, because the more layers I put on, the better my eyelashes look and the prettier my eyes look. This is total bullshit. Thanks, genetics for fucking over the females in my family and blessing the guys with these spectacular doe-eyed gazes.

Mascara itself is a nuisance but a necessary evil. Putting on mascara is an ART. I’m not kidding. This is a skill that has taken me almost 15 years to perfect. (And for women readers out there, that classic Maybelline mascara in the pink bottle with green cap is crap. Don’t buy it. Force this company to stop making it.) Finding the right brand of mascara and then the proper formula and brush to match your eyelashes is a pain in the ass. Not all mascara is the same. Not all brushes are the same. This is a fact. If you don’t get this, stop using make-up because you are already failing.

Getting your lashes perfectly coated, separated, and clump free is an epic accomplishment in itself. But I promise you that one time out of 40 that you achieve perfect lashes you will sneeze before your mascara dries, forcing this look upon you.


On top of the hideous streaks under your eyes, all of your eyelashes are now clumped together. Don’t bother getting that mascara wand back out because there is no damage control here. You’re only going to make it worse and look like you have spider legs growing from your eyes. Guess what, sister. You get to start your makeup ALL OVER AGAIN.

Rogue eyelashes are a menace as well. You know what I’m talking about: That one eyelash that is growing inward or in the opposite direction of the rest of your lashes. All you can do is wait for it to fall out because attempting to pluck it is more pain than it is worth.

Girl Problem #2: Breasts 

Having breasts is amazing. They’re so much fun. But they come with a lot of issues and responsibility.

Issue number one with having ta-tas is finding the right bra for them. You can’t just waltz into Vickie’s and grab the first padded demi you find. It’s not that easy, girls. Not that easy.

Why?

Because all titties are not created equal and your body shape and boob size may reject certain styles. Saddle up. You’re about to spend some quality time in a dressing room trying on more bras than you will ever care to look at to find a style that is comfortable, flattering, and hopefully versatile with regard to your wardrobe.

Then there are other issues, like running, crumbs, boob sweat, and high beams. All of which will occur at the worst time possible. Like sitting in a movie theater on a date and your cleavage catches some salt and bits of popcorn. Oh yeah. You thought you were being sexy and cute with that shirt. Nope. You just made yourself into a walking garbage can for your entire date. Wait until the itching sets in while you’re having cocktails after the movie.




Girl Problem #3: All of your friends are married 

Where do I even begin here? When all of your friends are married, a significant portion of them are going to push you to date every ass clown on the face of the earth in an effort to make you feel as fulfilled as they do.

Yeah…about that.




 Okay. Seriously. Yes. There are times I would like a boyfriend. But forcing the issue on me will get you cut.

“I waited for the right guy to come along! You’ll find yours! Maybe you need to lower your standards.”

Umm. I’ve seen what you settled for. No thanks, bitch! I would rather gargle bleach.

I have a friend that every time a guy asks me out she gives me a quite forceful “You are going out with him!” Wait, what? Why? Why am I going out with someone who asked me out and I wasn’t excited in the least about it? If you say “take the free drinks” I’ll slash your tires and murder bunnies on your lawn.

Boyfriends and husbands don’t equal happy. If they did, the divorce rate wouldn’t be out of control and less mutilated bodies would turn up in trunks of cars. I’m happy for the friends I have that are actually happy in their marital bliss, but being single ain’t all bad. Just let me bring a friend as a plus one to your wedding so I have someone to pound tequila with at the bar.

And if your wedding isn’t open bar, that’s coming out of your gift.

So these are just a few girl problems. Just act like you care when someone is experiencing these issues. It could prevent you from waking up to bunny guts smeared on your driveway.

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2 Construxive Remarx

  1. I loved this article, especially the part where you talked about boobs.

    @ryhamner

    ReplyDelete

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