Nostalgia - Self Titled?
Got this in our inbox, and decided to post it.
You visited me in my dreams once again.
Sweeping me off my feet to a myriad of of color and sound, my heart skips a beat.
But I can’t take it.
I can no longer feel. I’ve lost control over every last emotion. I am devoid of feeling and of reason. I just know I don’t have much left.
I spend my days in a constant cycle of sleep and wake. A phantom of this current time and place.
I know the ending to this current story. Yet, I hurtle myself down the path towards failure. I’m a masochist because of one little mistake. Or would we call it a giant mistake? As I play with the heart strings. I toy with the mind.
I’m a broken record, a broken being.
Broken down without a sense of feeling.
I drink from the bottle; my new best friend. It numbs the pain, and fills the void. For once I can feel-- beyond the fire in my gut.
And then it is gone. And then I regret. I make a mistake and it eats me alive. I tear my soul to pieces, asking why. What could I change? What could I do different? Could I have said something to change your mind?
I sit here screaming to the music, the tears rolling down cheeks. I feel trapped. I can no longer breathe. I’m not who I want to be.
What happened to being free?
The hole keeps getting deeper.
What the fuck am I doing?
In the end, i’m only hurting myself.
Yet, now, I’ve found something I want.
At least what I think I want.
Decisions.. Oh they come crashing down. Like a waterfall. Like a hurricane. That summer storm that whips me up and throws me down.
I skate along another perfect circle, hoping the ice doesn't break. The freezing water of my conscience that I can't afford to break.
My mortality is all too clear as I take risks I hadn't taken before. As I take a brush with fate. Again and again.
But no regrets in the twisted learning process. I only form more wishes. And I keep thinking. Each thought beat into a tiny little pulp-- over analyzing each and every little detail. I think and I think and I think. With music blasting through my ears, I people watch. Each glance is an insight into a snippet of a story.
And I wonder.
What story do I display?
I was working in the lab late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
For my monster from his slab began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise
Ian: I'm assuming his late night came at the tail end of a long day's work, so he began to hallucinate. Why else would a monster on a slab be so spooky to behold? Dr. Pickett, it's my estimation that you're working too hard.
Paul: If he was working so diligently, why is he surprised with his success? Was it something accidental?
Ryan: The singer, or storyteller is explaining how his crazy night of love making started. Clearly the storyteller is alone and is explaining how things got heated between him and his "monster".
He did the mash
He did the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
He did the mash
It caught on in a flash
He did the mash
He did the monster mash
Ian: And he starts to imagine a crazy new dance routine. I'm excited to learn how to do it!
Paul: The monster comes to life and starts to dance? It has to be intentional. So I'm lead to believe that this man defied the laws of nature and countless resources only to make a monster who's purpose is to dance? To be honest, I wouldn't do anything different.
 |
| I need to dance. |
Ryan: This part makes me believe that this was the first time he tried making love with himself. It being natural, he obviously caught on quickly. Though this was all new for him, he was able to catch on in a flash like many of us when we first tried dancing solo.
From my laboratory in the castle east
To the master bedroom where the vampires feast
The ghouls all came from their humble abodes
To get a jolt from my electrodes
Ian: How can he sleep with vampires luring innocents into his bedroom, anyway? This supports the assumption that he is sleep deprived and having whacked out hallucinations of generally gruesome creatures jigglin their bottoms to the latest craze since the Super Bowl Shuffle. Unless, of course, the castle is not his. Perhaps he only owns the lab in a castle belonging to a clan of bloodthirsty beasts. But then, why is he leading all the ghouls (ghouls=girls, get it?) from the lab to the master bedroom to give them a taste of his elekchode? I allow this might also be crazy 50's beatnik slang for uppers, which again only supports my claim that Dr. Pickett is experiencing symptoms commonly associated with a lack of sleep supplemented by amphetamines.
Paul: This guy lives in a castle were vampires murder in the bedroom and ghouls live in adjacent rooms? What kind of place is this? So these ghouls are shuffling on down to get their jollies from electrodes.
 |
| You givin' out jolts? or ... |
Ryan: Having enjoyed this as much as he did, he was curious if it would his enjoyment would change in different rooms. I cant say if "the castle east" and "where the vampires feast" are nicknames for actual rooms in a normal persons place, but I have no doubt that "To get a jolt from my electrodes" means that his experimenting in different rooms means that it did in fact help his excitement.
They did the mash
They did the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
They did the mash
It caught on in a flash
They did the mash
They did the monster mash
Ian: Okay, then... If this dance is so famous and apparently easy enough to do, how come he isn't bothering to demonstrate or explain it?? It might all be in the good (mad) doctor's (scientist's) head, but he still has to have some general idea of the steps. Do I jump to the left???
Paul: So more people did this dance. I'm convinced that this was his plan all along.
Ryan: Now it appears that there are more people involved. I have trouble believing that there were other people that were there watching him. I believe that the storyteller has animals. Maybe a cat in one room that saw him, and possibly a bird in another that caught him "flying solo".
The zombies were having fun
The party had just begun
The guests included Wolf Man
Dracula and his son
Ian: So, are these guests of his or his employers? Are they still in the master bedroom or back in the lab? How else could one explain, or even justify, the presence of a minor at the depraved gathering heretofore described with such gusto? I hope they weren't offering him jolts, too. I guess it doesn't matter much, since all these characters are merely external projections of a madman's sick, decaying mind. I'm glad the zombies were having fun.
Paul: This song is misleading because zombies ALWAYS have fun, they just do it slowly. The Wolf Man is no big deal, he shows up at most parties. What stuck out is Dracula's Son. A recluse by design, he was probably there against his will in his dad's attempt to socialize him.
 |
| I brought my dice. |
Ryan: This is where role playing clearly became a part of his "work". He may have wanted to try other things to keep things fresh. Costumes can help enhance these types of things with the intent of keeping things fresh. I know sometimes when I get bored with myself, dressing as the wolf man can really spice things up!
The scene was rockin', all were digging the sounds
Igor on chains, backed by his baying hounds
The coffin-bangers were about to arrive
With their vocal group, "The Crypt-Kicker Five"
Ian: Digging the sounds, haha. I get it. Maybe Dr. Pickett is beginning to present with mild manic symptoms accompanying his delusional schizophrenia, as would be evidenced by his refusal to sleep, his rampant wordplay and his desire to bang coffins. I get a little Jailhouse Rock flavor from this verse, with the odd characters playing around with whatever's handy. Just, instead of dancing in prison, everyone's exercising the necrophiliac tendancies.
Paul:
Ryan: Again he is trying to spice up his good time. Music can enhance EVERYTHING, especially this. Igor Stravinsky is a famous Russian composer from the early 1900's, known for his rhythm and harmony. Great masturbation music! Also, clearly "The Crypt-Kicker Five" is what he has named his fingers. I can relate to this, since I named my fingers the "Fantastic Five" when I was 17.
They played the mash
They played the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
They played the mash
It caught on in a flash
They played the mash
They played the monster mash
Ian: How in the HELL do I do the MASH?!?!
Paul
Ryan: Clearly this is just another chorus.. THAT IS ALL!
Out from his coffin, Drac's voice did ring
Seems he was troubled by just one thing
He opened the lid and shook his fist
And said, "Whatever happened to my Transylvania twist?"
Ian: Well, now we know who was in the coffin, who everyone was lining up to bang. I guess I'm just concerned, and almost don't want to know, if his son partook in the proceedings. I'm a little doubtful that the Transylvania Twist is an actual dance with any movements because how could a real dance be replaced by something that has yet to be defined at all?? I'd be pissed off too if everyone, in the middle of fornicating with me, were jamming to some imaginary flailing.
Paul:
Ryan: More experimenting. At this point he has referring to his "business" as "Drac". His pants are his coffin and he is trying a wrist technique called the Transylvania twist. I tried googling this technique and had no luck with it... I feel like I am missing out.
It's now the mash
It's now the monster mash
The monster mash
And it's a graveyard smash
It's now the mash
It's caught on in a flash
It's now the mash
It's now the monster mash
Ian: So the Monster Mash is the same exact dance as the Transylvania Twist, just with a different name? Unimaginative, but whatever. Now how in the HELL do I do THAT dance??
Paul:
Ryan: I guess at this point, the storyteller is insisting that his masturbation would be forever known as the mash.. Which is a pretty clever name for it!
Now everything's cool, Drac's a part of the band
And my monster mash is the hit of the land
For you, the living, this mash was meant too
When you get to my door, tell them Boris sent you
Ian: This dance, according to the tripping doc, has been a hit for some time already. Now, if I'm arriving at his door (again, the lab or the entire castle?), who is it who's answering? Everyone else seems preoccupied with either playing some demented form of non-musical noise, or dancing some nonexistent Watusi variation. I'm assuming, with his dissociative personality disorder, that he would answer the door, believing himself to be his own butler somehow. I think I'll stay at home.
Paul:
Ryan:
Then you can mash
Then you can monster mash
The monster mash
And do my graveyard smash
Then you can mash
You'll catch on in a flash
Then you can mash
Then you can monster mash
Ian: I would fucking LOVE to!!! HOW THE HELL DO I DO IT?!?!
Paul:
Ryan:
Today is Ian's 30th Birthday. We are very excited about this landmark Birthday and hope that everyone can wish him a Happy Birthday on Twitter @construxnunchux, on our Facebook Page http://www.facebook.com/construxnunchux or in the comments section of this post. Have an awesome day Ian and please enjoy our Video Tribute and manly picture for the Birthday boy... I mean man!
Due to legal difficulties, prepare yourselves for a surprise!
When I was younger I was a Nintendo/Super Nintendo fanatic. I bought into the full commercial blitz and enjoyed every indulgent moment of it. It must have been easy for my parents to buy gifts for me because for decades every birthday/x-mas I had my next game scouted and picked out months in advance.
Back then there was no internet just the spoon fed Nintendo Power, and the back pages of comic books to base our next investment on. There were very few misses back then due to our zealous examination of every title we selected but when it happened it was awful. There were very few disheartening moment in my narrow view on life that investing your one gift or hard eared paper route money towards a dud.
These are a few (not all) games that really twisted the knife deep in terms of horrid deception.
1) X-men (Nintendo)
What was sold:
What we got:
2) Pit Fighter (SNES)
What was sold:
This game was pretty incredible for its time. You could play 3 players at a time, Ty a kick boxer Kato a judo guy, and Buzz a wrestler. You basically played through different levels fighting absurd enemies mashing either PUNCH KICK or JUMP or all 3 for your super move. The game was pretty brutal for its time, and controversial because there was a stage where you would fight two women.
When our mother went to Hills (which seemed like a multi-weekly pilgrimage) we would beg her to hang out in the lobby to whaft the popcorn and pretzel smell and watch the demos for the arcade games. Pit Fighter was one of those games. We used to mill around the lobby at Hills unsupervised and raid payphones and coin return slots of other games for quarters to play.
When we saw Pit Fighter being advertised in Ian's Captain America comics we got excited and accosted our mother to take us to Iggle Video to rent the game.
In this case we didn't buy it (luckily) but the unreasonable amount of excitement congruent to the quality of the game is noteworthy.
The car ride back we called our characters (I believe I called Ty and Ian Kato) and had set up strategies to beat every stage we had burned into our memory from endless demos.
We popped the game in and got this digital abortion:
What we got:
What the fuck is that? It wasn't even close to what the arcade was. We were smart children not to expect a "true port" but this was insulting. Our $5.00 wasted, our afternoon ruined, and my anger ... apparently still here.
3)Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game
.jpg)
This was another case of being romanced by the arcade game and getting the old bait and switch. The TMNT Arcade game was the King of the arcade back when it came out. Most places had it, it was amazing graphically, it was fun, and it "stayed true" to the cartoon series.
This was especially significant because our sister was in on the excitement as well. This meant two things our cut for the game would be lessened and our parents would take us more seriously upon the request due to the combined effort.
Trying to learn our lesson from the first Turtles game (which could be another post) we scouted it in the reliable unbiased Nintendo Power which gave it glowing review. Hell, it even had THE ARCADE GAME so big on the box how could they burn us again.
Same old story, we unboxed it frantically popped the cart in and ...
What was sold/What we got:
Back then there was no internet just the spoon fed Nintendo Power, and the back pages of comic books to base our next investment on. There were very few misses back then due to our zealous examination of every title we selected but when it happened it was awful. There were very few disheartening moment in my narrow view on life that investing your one gift or hard eared paper route money towards a dud.
These are a few (not all) games that really twisted the knife deep in terms of horrid deception.
1) X-men (Nintendo)
What was sold:
2) Pit Fighter (SNES)
What was sold:
This game was pretty incredible for its time. You could play 3 players at a time, Ty a kick boxer Kato a judo guy, and Buzz a wrestler. You basically played through different levels fighting absurd enemies mashing either PUNCH KICK or JUMP or all 3 for your super move. The game was pretty brutal for its time, and controversial because there was a stage where you would fight two women.
When our mother went to Hills (which seemed like a multi-weekly pilgrimage) we would beg her to hang out in the lobby to whaft the popcorn and pretzel smell and watch the demos for the arcade games. Pit Fighter was one of those games. We used to mill around the lobby at Hills unsupervised and raid payphones and coin return slots of other games for quarters to play.
When we saw Pit Fighter being advertised in Ian's Captain America comics we got excited and accosted our mother to take us to Iggle Video to rent the game.
In this case we didn't buy it (luckily) but the unreasonable amount of excitement congruent to the quality of the game is noteworthy.
The car ride back we called our characters (I believe I called Ty and Ian Kato) and had set up strategies to beat every stage we had burned into our memory from endless demos.
We popped the game in and got this digital abortion:
What we got:
What the fuck is that? It wasn't even close to what the arcade was. We were smart children not to expect a "true port" but this was insulting. Our $5.00 wasted, our afternoon ruined, and my anger ... apparently still here.
3)Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game
This was another case of being romanced by the arcade game and getting the old bait and switch. The TMNT Arcade game was the King of the arcade back when it came out. Most places had it, it was amazing graphically, it was fun, and it "stayed true" to the cartoon series.This was especially significant because our sister was in on the excitement as well. This meant two things our cut for the game would be lessened and our parents would take us more seriously upon the request due to the combined effort.
Trying to learn our lesson from the first Turtles game (which could be another post) we scouted it in the reliable unbiased Nintendo Power which gave it glowing review. Hell, it even had THE ARCADE GAME so big on the box how could they burn us again.
Same old story, we unboxed it frantically popped the cart in and ...
What was sold/What we got:
guest stars
movies
reviews
Construx Conspirators: Shane Jenkins - Perks of Being a Wallflower Review
9:00:00 AMPaul
This review is from our friend Shane Jenkins, lord of Ambler Theater and movie extraordinaire. I've begged him to write for us for a bit now and he finally caved in. Check out his site http://razedbywolves.com/ its pretty incredible with writing and music.
May I pop-psychoanalyze myself before we get to the review? I love high school movies. I'm not terribly nostalgic for my own high school days or anything, so it's been a mystery to me for a while why I enjoy them so much. And I think I have an answer. Because, in addition to high school movies, I'm also very fond of films where people are stuck together for one
reason or another. Maybe they're stuck in a supermarket because there are giant mutated bugs outside. Or stuck in a mall because it is surrounded by zombies. Or in an elevator because one of them is the devil or some such thing. Anyway, high school is the ultimate stuck-together movie. If you really hate your job, you can quit. If your neighbors are unbearable, you can move. But if you're a kid in school, no matter how bad things are, you still gotta go back there every day and deal with all that shit. For years! Every day! And things WILL be terrible, because you're a teenager and haven't developed a protective emotional skin yet! So I think we've all learned from this that I'm a sociopath, who enjoys the angst-ridden torment of children.
So, given my horrible fondness for the genre, I am pleased to report that The Perks of Being a Wallflower is one of the good ones. I haven't read the book, but the characters feel three-dimensional, which was no doubt helped by the fact that the book's author also wrote and directed the film. Everybody is a little too old to be playing their roles (Logan Lerman is supposed to be 15?!), but it's easy to overlook that when the actors are so charming. Yes, even Emma Watson, so stiff in the Harry Potter movies, seems liberated here, shorn of her robes and perpetual worried look. And Ezra Miller, the Kevin that we need to talk about, is a charisma magnet here, as Emma's flamboyant half-brother. The movie is surprisingly funny -- even Dylan McDermott gets off a good line, and that guy sucks!
Perks gets darker than I was expecting, based on the trailer, and that's a good thing. You feel for the characters so much, particularly Lerman's Charlie, that you just want them to be okay. And they're not always. These are some damaged kids, but their highs and lows feel believable and not too melodramatic for its own sake. One of the characters says at one point, "My life is an after-school special!" And it sort of is. But a really good one, and not one where Helen Hunt jumps out of a window after trying pot for the first time. Perks reminded me a little of Bret Easton Ellis's Less Than Zero, but smaller, quieter and more grounded in reality.
77. The Perks of Being a Wallflower
reason or another. Maybe they're stuck in a supermarket because there are giant mutated bugs outside. Or stuck in a mall because it is surrounded by zombies. Or in an elevator because one of them is the devil or some such thing. Anyway, high school is the ultimate stuck-together movie. If you really hate your job, you can quit. If your neighbors are unbearable, you can move. But if you're a kid in school, no matter how bad things are, you still gotta go back there every day and deal with all that shit. For years! Every day! And things WILL be terrible, because you're a teenager and haven't developed a protective emotional skin yet! So I think we've all learned from this that I'm a sociopath, who enjoys the angst-ridden torment of children.
So, given my horrible fondness for the genre, I am pleased to report that The Perks of Being a Wallflower is one of the good ones. I haven't read the book, but the characters feel three-dimensional, which was no doubt helped by the fact that the book's author also wrote and directed the film. Everybody is a little too old to be playing their roles (Logan Lerman is supposed to be 15?!), but it's easy to overlook that when the actors are so charming. Yes, even Emma Watson, so stiff in the Harry Potter movies, seems liberated here, shorn of her robes and perpetual worried look. And Ezra Miller, the Kevin that we need to talk about, is a charisma magnet here, as Emma's flamboyant half-brother. The movie is surprisingly funny -- even Dylan McDermott gets off a good line, and that guy sucks!
Perks gets darker than I was expecting, based on the trailer, and that's a good thing. You feel for the characters so much, particularly Lerman's Charlie, that you just want them to be okay. And they're not always. These are some damaged kids, but their highs and lows feel believable and not too melodramatic for its own sake. One of the characters says at one point, "My life is an after-school special!" And it sort of is. But a really good one, and not one where Helen Hunt jumps out of a window after trying pot for the first time. Perks reminded me a little of Bret Easton Ellis's Less Than Zero, but smaller, quieter and more grounded in reality.
Grade: B+
This is a dear friend of ours Rachel Greene from My Tiara’s Crooked she writes about everything from sex, to makeup, shoes, relationships all from a female perspective its like Cosmo but without the condescension and shame. Check it out or Ryan loses another toe.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Construx Nunchux (dba www.construxnunchux.com) does NOT condone, promote or endorse the torture of bunnies, rabbits, lagomorphs, or mammals of any size or relative cuteness.
Girl Problems
By Rachel Greene from My Tiara’s Crooked
It’s no secret. I have girl problems. Girl problems are very different than guy problems. Guy problems are like, “I got jizz on the toilet seat and floor instead of in the bowl” and “How do I get up from my desk with this raging hard-on to walk to the copier” or “My X-Box Live went out in the middle of a Resident Evil co-op mission.”
Girl problems though, are catastrophic. And by catastrophic I mean, only I give a flying shit about these things but they will manage to ruin my day. If you’re a male, you’ll do well to act like these things matter. Your dick getting sucked in the near future depends on you showing empathy and sympathy for the issues I’m about to posture. They are very real and devastatingly cataclysmic.
Girl Problem #1: Eyelashes
You may think that the purpose of eyelashes is much like eyebrows, to prevent dust and dirt particles from invading your cornea and causing massive amounts of irritation in your eye.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Eyelashes were placed on humans as torture devices to women. My son and both of my brothers have long, black, gorgeous eyelashes. What do I have? Long, BLONDE eyelashes, which requires me to invest in ungodly amounts of mascara, because the more layers I put on, the better my eyelashes look and the prettier my eyes look. This is total bullshit. Thanks, genetics for fucking over the females in my family and blessing the guys with these spectacular doe-eyed gazes.
Mascara itself is a nuisance but a necessary evil. Putting on mascara is an ART. I’m not kidding. This is a skill that has taken me almost 15 years to perfect. (And for women readers out there, that classic Maybelline mascara in the pink bottle with green cap is crap. Don’t buy it. Force this company to stop making it.) Finding the right brand of mascara and then the proper formula and brush to match your eyelashes is a pain in the ass. Not all mascara is the same. Not all brushes are the same. This is a fact. If you don’t get this, stop using make-up because you are already failing.
Getting your lashes perfectly coated, separated, and clump free is an epic accomplishment in itself. But I promise you that one time out of 40 that you achieve perfect lashes you will sneeze before your mascara dries, forcing this look upon you.
On top of the hideous streaks under your eyes, all of your eyelashes are now clumped together. Don’t bother getting that mascara wand back out because there is no damage control here. You’re only going to make it worse and look like you have spider legs growing from your eyes. Guess what, sister. You get to start your makeup ALL OVER AGAIN.
Rogue eyelashes are a menace as well. You know what I’m talking about: That one eyelash that is growing inward or in the opposite direction of the rest of your lashes. All you can do is wait for it to fall out because attempting to pluck it is more pain than it is worth.
Girl Problem #2: Breasts
Having breasts is amazing. They’re so much fun. But they come with a lot of issues and responsibility.
Issue number one with having ta-tas is finding the right bra for them. You can’t just waltz into Vickie’s and grab the first padded demi you find. It’s not that easy, girls. Not that easy.
Why?
Because all titties are not created equal and your body shape and boob size may reject certain styles. Saddle up. You’re about to spend some quality time in a dressing room trying on more bras than you will ever care to look at to find a style that is comfortable, flattering, and hopefully versatile with regard to your wardrobe.
Then there are other issues, like running, crumbs, boob sweat, and high beams. All of which will occur at the worst time possible. Like sitting in a movie theater on a date and your cleavage catches some salt and bits of popcorn. Oh yeah. You thought you were being sexy and cute with that shirt. Nope. You just made yourself into a walking garbage can for your entire date. Wait until the itching sets in while you’re having cocktails after the movie.
Girl Problem #3: All of your friends are married
Where do I even begin here? When all of your friends are married, a significant portion of them are going to push you to date every ass clown on the face of the earth in an effort to make you feel as fulfilled as they do.
Yeah…about that.
Okay. Seriously. Yes. There are times I would like a boyfriend. But forcing the issue on me will get you cut.
“I waited for the right guy to come along! You’ll find yours! Maybe you need to lower your standards.”
Umm. I’ve seen what you settled for. No thanks, bitch! I would rather gargle bleach.
I have a friend that every time a guy asks me out she gives me a quite forceful “You are going out with him!” Wait, what? Why? Why am I going out with someone who asked me out and I wasn’t excited in the least about it? If you say “take the free drinks” I’ll slash your tires and murder bunnies on your lawn.
Boyfriends and husbands don’t equal happy. If they did, the divorce rate wouldn’t be out of control and less mutilated bodies would turn up in trunks of cars. I’m happy for the friends I have that are actually happy in their marital bliss, but being single ain’t all bad. Just let me bring a friend as a plus one to your wedding so I have someone to pound tequila with at the bar.
And if your wedding isn’t open bar, that’s coming out of your gift.
So these are just a few girl problems. Just act like you care when someone is experiencing these issues. It could prevent you from waking up to bunny guts smeared on your driveway.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Construx Nunchux (dba www.construxnunchux.com) does NOT condone, promote or endorse the torture of bunnies, rabbits, lagomorphs, or mammals of any size or relative cuteness.
Girl Problems
By Rachel Greene from My Tiara’s Crooked
It’s no secret. I have girl problems. Girl problems are very different than guy problems. Guy problems are like, “I got jizz on the toilet seat and floor instead of in the bowl” and “How do I get up from my desk with this raging hard-on to walk to the copier” or “My X-Box Live went out in the middle of a Resident Evil co-op mission.”
Girl problems though, are catastrophic. And by catastrophic I mean, only I give a flying shit about these things but they will manage to ruin my day. If you’re a male, you’ll do well to act like these things matter. Your dick getting sucked in the near future depends on you showing empathy and sympathy for the issues I’m about to posture. They are very real and devastatingly cataclysmic.
Girl Problem #1: Eyelashes
You may think that the purpose of eyelashes is much like eyebrows, to prevent dust and dirt particles from invading your cornea and causing massive amounts of irritation in your eye.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Eyelashes were placed on humans as torture devices to women. My son and both of my brothers have long, black, gorgeous eyelashes. What do I have? Long, BLONDE eyelashes, which requires me to invest in ungodly amounts of mascara, because the more layers I put on, the better my eyelashes look and the prettier my eyes look. This is total bullshit. Thanks, genetics for fucking over the females in my family and blessing the guys with these spectacular doe-eyed gazes.
Mascara itself is a nuisance but a necessary evil. Putting on mascara is an ART. I’m not kidding. This is a skill that has taken me almost 15 years to perfect. (And for women readers out there, that classic Maybelline mascara in the pink bottle with green cap is crap. Don’t buy it. Force this company to stop making it.) Finding the right brand of mascara and then the proper formula and brush to match your eyelashes is a pain in the ass. Not all mascara is the same. Not all brushes are the same. This is a fact. If you don’t get this, stop using make-up because you are already failing.
Getting your lashes perfectly coated, separated, and clump free is an epic accomplishment in itself. But I promise you that one time out of 40 that you achieve perfect lashes you will sneeze before your mascara dries, forcing this look upon you.
On top of the hideous streaks under your eyes, all of your eyelashes are now clumped together. Don’t bother getting that mascara wand back out because there is no damage control here. You’re only going to make it worse and look like you have spider legs growing from your eyes. Guess what, sister. You get to start your makeup ALL OVER AGAIN.
Rogue eyelashes are a menace as well. You know what I’m talking about: That one eyelash that is growing inward or in the opposite direction of the rest of your lashes. All you can do is wait for it to fall out because attempting to pluck it is more pain than it is worth.
Girl Problem #2: Breasts
Having breasts is amazing. They’re so much fun. But they come with a lot of issues and responsibility.
Issue number one with having ta-tas is finding the right bra for them. You can’t just waltz into Vickie’s and grab the first padded demi you find. It’s not that easy, girls. Not that easy.
Why?
Because all titties are not created equal and your body shape and boob size may reject certain styles. Saddle up. You’re about to spend some quality time in a dressing room trying on more bras than you will ever care to look at to find a style that is comfortable, flattering, and hopefully versatile with regard to your wardrobe.
Then there are other issues, like running, crumbs, boob sweat, and high beams. All of which will occur at the worst time possible. Like sitting in a movie theater on a date and your cleavage catches some salt and bits of popcorn. Oh yeah. You thought you were being sexy and cute with that shirt. Nope. You just made yourself into a walking garbage can for your entire date. Wait until the itching sets in while you’re having cocktails after the movie.
Where do I even begin here? When all of your friends are married, a significant portion of them are going to push you to date every ass clown on the face of the earth in an effort to make you feel as fulfilled as they do.
Yeah…about that.
Okay. Seriously. Yes. There are times I would like a boyfriend. But forcing the issue on me will get you cut.
“I waited for the right guy to come along! You’ll find yours! Maybe you need to lower your standards.”
Umm. I’ve seen what you settled for. No thanks, bitch! I would rather gargle bleach.
I have a friend that every time a guy asks me out she gives me a quite forceful “You are going out with him!” Wait, what? Why? Why am I going out with someone who asked me out and I wasn’t excited in the least about it? If you say “take the free drinks” I’ll slash your tires and murder bunnies on your lawn.
Boyfriends and husbands don’t equal happy. If they did, the divorce rate wouldn’t be out of control and less mutilated bodies would turn up in trunks of cars. I’m happy for the friends I have that are actually happy in their marital bliss, but being single ain’t all bad. Just let me bring a friend as a plus one to your wedding so I have someone to pound tequila with at the bar.
And if your wedding isn’t open bar, that’s coming out of your gift.
So these are just a few girl problems. Just act like you care when someone is experiencing these issues. It could prevent you from waking up to bunny guts smeared on your driveway.
Thanks for joining us again in a series of public service posts, Consult Construx (or As cXnX Sees It), where we finally give back to the faithful Chux Chazerz with queries they know only one ridiculous website can quell. We look forward to hearing from you soon! Enjoy.
(This week's Construx Counsel consists of Paul, Ryan and Ian.)
Leslie B.
Youngsville, PA asks
"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
I can't believe it!!! Twice in the same post!!!
PAUL: Thanks for your question Leslie! I know it must be tough to get an accurate answer to this question as you may imagine that it's more complicated than a quick answer.
What most people don't know is that when you get scared half to death your name gets recorded and starts its long journey to Hell. Yes, Hell, the people who made the decision to handle it this were going to be more diplomatic but God was swamped with answering sports related prayers, speaking to politicians, and considering every request of him killing someone over something trivial.
When the actual scaring takes place, when your heart jumps out of your chest and your body tingles that begins the long process of taking your name down and sending to through the magical process of getting it filed in Hell.
 |
| Step 1: Being Scared |
Once scared your name travels underground to incoming quality control. The IQC is the man who takes the request and makes sure your name is spelled correctly, and confirms your identity by googling you on his MacBook 666 (yes they have corporate sponsorship). Once he weighs the paper for consistency and checks the paper for any damages he signs off on them he sends them inner-office mail to receiving.
The man who runs receiving is actually John Hughes. Yes, Breakfast Club/Home Alone/Ferris Beuller's Day Off John Hughes. I'm not sure why he's in Hell either, I sent him an email (john.hughes@hell.com) but he never responded. Anyways, the receiving department takes your name from the IQC department and sends it to the particular processing department according to your last name. For example your last name starts with B so it would be shipped to Processing 2b.
 |
| Don't feel bad, I forget I'm dead too. |
Processing then gets your name and enters it into the system. Every detail from blood type, favorite food, and how many times you've found change in the couch. The process is very thorough and detailed. A normal processing of a name can take anywhere from 6-12 weeks depending on age and experience.The system is slow depending on how many scares happened that day. You can imagine October is a busy month for processing so don't even bother them e-viting them to any themed office party or cake social - they wont respond.
After your name gets processed and it gets into the system it gets inspected by the data integrity clerk. To check the processors work for accuracy and proper spelling.
In case you haven't noticed Hell is very bureaucratic solely for the fact that it is Hell, and not made to be easy on anyone.
When the DIC (data integrity clerk) approves your file it gets put into a giant file to be sent to the big man himself ... Santa Clause. Santa runs your name through his data base to see your annual behavior index. If you fall into the nice pile you get filed under "nice" and if you were naughty you get filed under "naughty".
The nice pile get "rush" treatment as Satan wants first crack at your soul and the naughty pile gets put into a supplementary bin to handle any run-over need for souls.
The people's names who were scared half to death and that were judged to be naughty gets put into a giant fishbowl in Satan's rec room (which is a constant source of conversation during parties). Once you name is in the fishbowl your soul/life are on borrowed time. Once you get scared half to death again ....
Ryan T.
your mom, asks
"Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny?"
RYAN: What a fantastic question! Thanks, Ryan. I realize this question may be different depending on who you ask, but because of Bugs Bunny and my back story I feel I may be able to answer this question best. If this gets awkward, I apologies. Feel free to accept my answer of yes, and if you want more please continue to read.
I will never forget the first time I saw Bugs Bunny as a women.. Of course when I saw this, I did not realize she was in fact Bugs Bunny in drag. I just thought it was a beautiful women. At the time, I thought "she" was the most beautiful women I had ever laid eyes on (since Jessica Rabbit, I may need mental help). Unlike my buddies who also found "her" attractive, I felt I would take it to the next level. Sure, like my friends I could of spent the rest of my life wondering what could of been or I could of taken action. And that is exactly what I did.
Luckily for me I knew the owner of George P. Dog. (If you don't recall this character, it was the dog who Foghorn Leghorn would torment) He got me her number (Bugs) and it was not long after that we were talking on the phone. Within a week of talking we started hanging out.
After the second date I was on top of the world! I had a beautiful girl who was fun, smart and had an amazing sense of style. Until a week passed.... Nothing. I tried calling her and I kept getting her answering machine. This continued until I could no longer leave her messages. I assume that her machine was full. This did not stop me from calling. I kept trying. I didn't understand how I could share such a beautiful time with someone and open up the way I did and not hear back from them. After another week of calling, her machine was accepting new messages again. I knew that this meant she was around, and that she was okay. Clearly she checked her messages. So I called, and I left more messages. Sadly, I still received no response. I kept calling and calling and calling and got nothing once again until her machine was full yet again. I felt so defeated and used and decided I had to stop.
After a few months had passed, after dating a few other women I ended up deciding that I had to at least get closure. I carried my insecurities into all of the following relationships and I knew I had to do something. I needed closure.. Knowing that she would never give me the time to get this, I decided there was only one option. I would record a video and leave it outside her rabbit hole. This way I could get everything off of my chest, and move on... Sorry for the quality, the video is from a old VHS tape..
I would rather not discuss this any further... In short, yes. I did find Bugs Bunny attractive when he played a girl bunny. Thank you for your question, Ryan. We sincerely hope you continue to follow the site and ask more great questions in the future!.
Gabrielle B.
Pittsburgh, PA
IAN: The cool culinary cutthroats here at Construx definitely have a few suggestions for you. First off, here's a link to our favorite recipe: Click Here!
Wow!!! Did you see that?!
Now that we're back on the same page, what's to be done about the butter in your rolls. Many recipes are composed in different ways, and there isn't even a consensus on what constitutes a lobster roll exactly. Here's our version of the classic, complete with step by step instructions:
Got it? Still confused? Need a wet wipe? Neither are we. As it stands, there are no lobster roll police, which is a shame, but also means that you're free to make any substitutions on any constitutions you see fit. Here's an example:
You don't even have to use lobster!!! Get creative, G!!! Just as one final point, we do want to direct you to the closest **approved** historical approximation of the origination of lobsters. Here.
After your name gets processed and it gets into the system it gets inspected by the data integrity clerk. To check the processors work for accuracy and proper spelling.
In case you haven't noticed Hell is very bureaucratic solely for the fact that it is Hell, and not made to be easy on anyone.
When the DIC (data integrity clerk) approves your file it gets put into a giant file to be sent to the big man himself ... Santa Clause. Santa runs your name through his data base to see your annual behavior index. If you fall into the nice pile you get filed under "nice" and if you were naughty you get filed under "naughty".
The nice pile get "rush" treatment as Satan wants first crack at your soul and the naughty pile gets put into a supplementary bin to handle any run-over need for souls.
 |
| this might take me a little while ... |
The people's names who were scared half to death and that were judged to be naughty gets put into a giant fishbowl in Satan's rec room (which is a constant source of conversation during parties). Once you name is in the fishbowl your soul/life are on borrowed time. Once you get scared half to death again ....
Ryan T.
your mom, asks
"Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny?"
RYAN: What a fantastic question! Thanks, Ryan. I realize this question may be different depending on who you ask, but because of Bugs Bunny and my back story I feel I may be able to answer this question best. If this gets awkward, I apologies. Feel free to accept my answer of yes, and if you want more please continue to read.
I will never forget the first time I saw Bugs Bunny as a women.. Of course when I saw this, I did not realize she was in fact Bugs Bunny in drag. I just thought it was a beautiful women. At the time, I thought "she" was the most beautiful women I had ever laid eyes on (since Jessica Rabbit, I may need mental help). Unlike my buddies who also found "her" attractive, I felt I would take it to the next level. Sure, like my friends I could of spent the rest of my life wondering what could of been or I could of taken action. And that is exactly what I did.
Luckily for me I knew the owner of George P. Dog. (If you don't recall this character, it was the dog who Foghorn Leghorn would torment) He got me her number (Bugs) and it was not long after that we were talking on the phone. Within a week of talking we started hanging out.
 |
| Date in the woods. |
 |
| Date at my place |
After a few months had passed, after dating a few other women I ended up deciding that I had to at least get closure. I carried my insecurities into all of the following relationships and I knew I had to do something. I needed closure.. Knowing that she would never give me the time to get this, I decided there was only one option. I would record a video and leave it outside her rabbit hole. This way I could get everything off of my chest, and move on... Sorry for the quality, the video is from a old VHS tape..
I would rather not discuss this any further... In short, yes. I did find Bugs Bunny attractive when he played a girl bunny. Thank you for your question, Ryan. We sincerely hope you continue to follow the site and ask more great questions in the future!.
Gabrielle B.
Pittsburgh, PA
I can't eat butter. How do you suggest I make my lobster rolls?
IAN: The cool culinary cutthroats here at Construx definitely have a few suggestions for you. First off, here's a link to our favorite recipe: Click Here!
Wow!!! Did you see that?!
Now that we're back on the same page, what's to be done about the butter in your rolls. Many recipes are composed in different ways, and there isn't even a consensus on what constitutes a lobster roll exactly. Here's our version of the classic, complete with step by step instructions:
Got it? Still confused? Need a wet wipe? Neither are we. As it stands, there are no lobster roll police, which is a shame, but also means that you're free to make any substitutions on any constitutions you see fit. Here's an example:
You don't even have to use lobster!!! Get creative, G!!! Just as one final point, we do want to direct you to the closest **approved** historical approximation of the origination of lobsters. Here.
I can't believe it!!! Twice in the same post!!!
LOBSTER ROLL'D!!!
So I am very inspired by the people I work and share friendship with on this site. Earlier this week you may of seen Paul's Photoshop's. Since then I cannot stop working on these things. There is a range on nonsense that I came up with, and it only felt right that I would share them here on the site.
This is obviously of us as the Foot Clan for the Ninja Turtles. Our Ninja training was difficult, but I think it paid off.
I have always wanted to do one of Mike Tysons Punchout. I imagine this is how a fight between Ian and Iron Mike would go down
This was just an attempt at trying out the new font. I was possibly thinking of Woods Madness when I was working on this one.
I am not sure what inspired this one. I think though of all the ones that I have ever done, this is my favorite. I think I just really like the font and the colours.
A Lobster Lobby picture. This one was pretty simple but it was a lot of fun messing with the colours of the image. I really like the font of the CXNX logo.
This is a prime example of me getting off track. Originally this was a ring of fire that somehow got out of control. I am pretty happy with it, even though it was not what I had first pictured the end result would be.
I hate the idea of Ian being on fire but I love the idea of him on the cover of this classic Rage Against the Machine album.
This went from being black and whit at first, to very colourful. I love how this one turned out. I wanted to keep it simple, but as I worked on it I just ended up throwing in more and more colour. I am happy that that is how I went with it.
Here are a bunch of Photoshops I've done over the passed week or so. They usually come in chunks just like the inspiration that creates them. I've been toying with a universal font "daft font" as an unofficial font for cXnX.
This one was 80's style all the way, or as it reminds me of ... my 2nd grade yearbook - no lie.
This is the first t-shirt candidate. Obviously a Ramones knock-off but with the cXnX flair of lobsters. I'm not totally convinced on the banner in the lobster's claws (which reads Woods cxnx Madness) but overall I am very happy with the design because I did it from scratch when I usually would take the original and copy over it.
This one was a metallic over red satin. Classy as shit.
This one is supposed to look like sharpie drawn on foil. Inspired from left overs from a restaurant.
This was another inspiration from a day I was leaving a parking lot. S10 stands for September 2010 -when we were founded.
No clue. Suck it Heathcliff.
This was directly inspired from a Japanese Daft Punk album cover. Either a batsignal or jailbreak type of picture.
I had to do a bloody one, its in my nature.
Probably my favorite of them all. Directly taken from Daft Punk's album Discovery. This is the t-shirt I'm most excited about.
No clue again. Suck it Albert.
This is an old ad for Dr. Raoulle's Medicated Tooth Power. It was briefly featured in Lobster Lobby.
This is the first time I used this tagline. I like it. Again, very 80's-90's but thats whats cool now. Right? Right!!
This one was 80's style all the way, or as it reminds me of ... my 2nd grade yearbook - no lie.
This is the first t-shirt candidate. Obviously a Ramones knock-off but with the cXnX flair of lobsters. I'm not totally convinced on the banner in the lobster's claws (which reads Woods cxnx Madness) but overall I am very happy with the design because I did it from scratch when I usually would take the original and copy over it.
This one was a metallic over red satin. Classy as shit.
This one is supposed to look like sharpie drawn on foil. Inspired from left overs from a restaurant.
This was another inspiration from a day I was leaving a parking lot. S10 stands for September 2010 -when we were founded.
No clue. Suck it Heathcliff.
This was directly inspired from a Japanese Daft Punk album cover. Either a batsignal or jailbreak type of picture.
I had to do a bloody one, its in my nature.
No clue again. Suck it Albert.
This is an old ad for Dr. Raoulle's Medicated Tooth Power. It was briefly featured in Lobster Lobby.
Nostalgia - Borrowed Porn
guest stars
movies
reviews
Construx Conspirators: Shane Jenkins - Seven Psychopaths Review
9:00:00 AMPaul
This review is from our friend Shane Jenkins, lord of Ambler Theater and movie extraordinaire. I've begged him to write for us for a bit now and he finally caved in. Check out his site http://razedbywolves.com/ its pretty incredible with writing and music.
76. Seven Psychopaths
Actually, what Seven Psychopaths really reminds me of is the amazingly funny and violent Kiss
Kiss Bang Bang, which is still the best Robert Downey Jr. has ever been used (sorry Tony Stark). Like that film, Seven Psychopaths is a movie about movies, even if the ads for it aren't selling that aspect. It retains the great pairing of McDonagh and Colin Farrell from In Bruges, and lets some of the best scene-stealers in the business in on the fun too. Sam Rockwell has become one of my favorite actors, and he is just great here. Christopher Walken walkens it up, but is also allowed to be a real character too. It's great seeing him play with the clever material he gets here. And Tom Waits! With a bunny! Do you want to see a murderous Woody Harrelson cry over his missing Shih Tzu and pull a gun on a very funny Gabourey "Precious" Sidibe? You might not think you do, but you do! You really do! The film is already off to a rocky start at the box office, and I think word of mouth among people who were looking for something a little more mainstream won't be good (much like Drive), so you should go see it in theaters while you can. Highly recommended!
Grade: A
Sarah is back this weekend. You know. Sarah! Yeah, her!!! that @poison_ive3 from Twitter. well, check it!!
The Five Stages of Exam Grief: The Playlist
As exam season begins once again, music becomes a life line. It becomes a coping mechanism and one of the only ways to survive the stress.
Stage One: “I can do it!”
The short lived blissful stage, where you believe that you really can do it. You can get that A!
1. “Take a Walk” -- Passion Pit
I personally consider this song to be one of my pump up songs. It’s incredibly peppy, and entirely upbeat, so much so that I catch myself dancing to it in the shower. Kind of positive, it helps to put me into work mode.
2. “Bohemian Like You” -- Dandy Warhols
Another song that gets me moving, “Bohemian Like You” is relatively catchy and upbeat.
3. “Sofi Needs a Ladder” -- Deadmau5
Dubstep. Need I say more?
4. “Lucky Strike” -- Maroon 5
This is currently a guilty pleasure thanks to my big. Maroon 5 has been around for awhile, and have really diversified recently. This song is no exception, and is a lot of fun to dance around too.
5. “Deceptacon” -- Le Tigre
Another song that is just fun to listen to. Incredibly unique and quirky, it’s definitely upbeat and kind of catchy.
Stage Two: “Do I really have to?”
It’s getting closer to the exam, and procrastination is beginning to set in. You are racked with existential questioning, ranging from delving into the meaning of your life to questioning the purpose of exams in the first place.
1. “Lightning Crashes” -- Live
I imagine procrastination music to be slower, and very downing. “Lightning Crashes” is a perfect choice, due to it’s incredibly depressing lyrics, depicting both death and heart break.
2. “Dead Hearts” -- Stars
Another equally as depressing song, the lyrics detail the tragedy that is heartbreak and well, dead hearts.
3. “Right Where it Belongs” -- Nine Inch Nails
Nothing expresses the feeling of being trapped quite as much as this song does.
4. “He Films the Clouds Pt.2” -- Maybeshewill
I usually consider post rock as part of my post-exam music repertoire, but this song does a good job channeling pre-exam emotions. It’s an amazing work of art, and you can really feel the depth and emotion in this song.
5. “Cough Syrup” -- Young The Giant
As the lyrics go, “Life is too short to even care at all, whoaa!”.
Stage Three: “WTF IS THIS SHIT? I NEVER LEARNED THIS!?!?”
It’s the night before the exam, and reality is setting in-- you’ve never actually learned this before.
1. “Burn” -- Apocalyptica
This song does a good job channeling all of my negative energy-- angry and fast paced, it echoes the emotions the night before an exam, as panic begins to set in. (I’d also like to burn my tests, but that’s slightly frowned upon..)
2. “Schism” -- Tool
My all time favorite Tool song-- it never fails to help clear my head. Plus, what angry playlist would be complete without it?
3. “Admit it!!!” -- Say Anything
One of the best angry songs I own. It’s the perfect song when there is something you need to whine about. Like hipsters.
4. “COM (?)” -- Mono
Post rock that has a metal vibe to it. It arcs with a sudden intensity, echoing any frustration. It’s also a fantastic on vinyl, and one of the first records I’ve heard.
5. “When They Come for Me” -- Linkin Park
This song really does explain my feelings when my exams come for me. Incredibly angry, it is a lot of fun to sing along with and invigorating.
Stage Four: “A:LDSJLKAJFLJAD:LFJALSJ:DJFL:SJDL:F. I’m going to vomit.”
You are sitting in the exam room, pencil in hand, test on the desk in front of you. Your stomach is in a knot, every nerve taking over. The taste of bile is fresh in your throat as you stare at the clock in the corner-- the second hand nearing go time.
1. “Catch Me Now I’m Falling” -- The Kinks
I feel like the song title is most appropriate for this aspect of the playlist.
2. “Hopeless Wanderer” -- Mumford and Sons
As I hopelessly wander to take my exam..
3. “Let’s Not Shit Ourselves” -- Bright Eyes
This is what I tell my friends and myself while we wait to take any exam.
4. “Panic Switch” -- Silversun Pickups
Mine is certainly flipped on while I wait for the inevitable.
Stage Five: “It’s over. I need a drink.”
You have successfully conquered the exam, and you are ready for a celebratory (or coping) drink.
1. “Burial On the Presidio Banks” -- This Will Destroy You
I find post rock to be some of the most calming music, and this song is no different. You can feel the emotion, especially at its climax halfway through the song.
2. “Moya” -- god speed you black emperor
I consider this to be one of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard. Calming to listen to and with multiple climaxes, it channels emotion in an unique way. You can feel the music while you listen.
3. “Reunion” -- The xx
This song is incredibly calming, and perfect to zone out too. It kind of has the same effect as sitting on the beach, and listening to the ocean. Well. Kind of.
4. “Still Here” -- Digital Daggers
Slow, and slightly pessimistic, this song gives me imagery of dancing alone in a ballroom. It’s perfect for reflection, and a little bit of an escape from the after exam emotions.
