cry for help introspection

Nothing to worry about.

3:18:00 PMPaul Clemente

my life has changed
why are you always the last one to see it happen?
living life through your own eyes to begin
to subconsciously mold and shift things that are wrong
to be muted, unimportant and dismissible.

i am not the person i was 10 years ago
however it seems like ive never
changed/learned/evolved from there.
whats important has disguised itself
and hid away leaving a trail of imperminant solutions ahead of it.

ive lost time. lost life.
lost strength. lost health
lost love. lost my legacy.

i used to call it evolving but now i know its
avoidance/distraction/detachment.



im a villian. brand it on my chest. tattoo it on my arm.
 when you spend your whole life casting a shadow on everything you dont want to become
the sun sets and the darkness ends up consuming you.

you are what you hated all along
you took a stand against evil
threw a parade for good decisions
begged for respect based on your valiance
but now i look at myself and see them.

THEM.

THE HOPELESS. THE NEGLECTFUL. THE APATHETICAL.
THE HATEFUL. THE CONSUMED. THE FELON. THE MONSTER. THE DEADBEAT. THE SLOTHFUL. THE DETACHED. THE HOPELESS. THE FAILURE. 

 its tough to scream when you are blind to pain
scar tissue built up from years of brilliant sacrifice.
blood you shed in what you thought was matyrdom but it was always just silly childish masochism.

not an absolution but a sentence handed down from a crime
you didnt commit
years of compounded guilt over time you willingly
accepted but was unsure of what effect the venom would have on you.


so everything you have left to offer
has been eaten away by a hostile sea
what was an island has dissolved
to a place for someone to just barely breathe above water.

the time for me is over
living for myself has now turned
into a childish act of desperation to keep alive
what i thought my identity was.
that person is gone - long worn away from a 
complicated life and systematically/surgically removed from me
as i lie in a bathtub full of ice.

what i thought were my two reflections
ive neglected and left greasy fingerprints 
of "not now" cloudy imagery.
 they're starting to learn and change
i am not a beacon of light or a source of safety anymore

(unintelligible scribble)

i see it happening
I CAN FUCKING SEE IT
im watching a ship sink and im paralysed

PARALYSED

now im going to destroy something beautiful
an uncovered treasure reminding me that im not awful
and i have to kill it
i sought out a reminder that fairytale morals can come true
that everything i once believed when i was a young man wasnt a lie





the precious egg reminding me that there is still beauty
to be had in the world and i have to kill it.
ive stuck a big muddy boot into a clear crystal pond just to watching something flawless die in my hands
in a time i was needed i could not tear away from this experiment.

what kind of person am i?

i self serve.

oh hold on to that shadow
of your past or you disappear
maintain your precious identity

i do not want this
i dont want love
or power
or forgiveness

i want compassion
i want to stop swallowing the lump in my throat
i want to stop running
swimming and fighting

i need to find peace
not look for fire

 

 

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