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ConstruX Xonspiritorz: Some Might Call It That

3:00:00 AMPaul Clemente

Every week this summer we have reached out to fans of construxnunchux, and asked them to share a story with us. We gave them no rules, no parameters, and no limitations. We hope this will bring new people to construx, as well as give people an outlet to put something out there in the world.

This first submission is from a fan of Chicks Who Dig Hockey an amazing hockey blog with a female perspective. Check them out, love them on facebook, they keep things incredibly up to date and current with some good pictures. Follow them on twitter as well @chicksdighockey they are very active on there and very funny.

(this story was only changed for spelling and formatting)


My cousin is a porn star

Looking back on our childhood, I should have figured out her future career path when we were 5 and she talked me into taking off all my clothes, and sliding naked with her down the Slip ‘n Slide. I can still hear her glee filled little girl voice say, “It feels better with your clothes off!”

The whole time we were growing up, she was the pretty one and I was the smart one. She had perfect straight teeth while I wore braces and expanders, and all kinds of dental torture devices just so I could look normal. Her blond hair lay in perfect ringlets across her shoulders while my mousy brown hair was straight and usually in a ponytail. Her mother paid me to tutor her in math and English so that she could maintain the C necessary to stay on the cheer-leading squad in high school. My own mother once asked me, “Why can’t you be more like your cousin?”

When we were 16, my cousin was driving us to the mall after school and got caught doing 50mph in a 35 mph zone. While the cop who pulled us over was getting himself together to walk up to the car, she quickly began to undress. She pulled her skirt up to show just a hint of her pink panties, whipped off her V neck sweater and unbuttoned the white shirt she had on underneath just in time for the cop to arrive at her window. He barely got, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” out of his mouth when she broke into an impressive cry with real tears. He leaned down to look into the window and broke into the smile of a middle-age man who had not seen perky breasts and mile long legs in years while she spun some story about being on the way to the mall to get her Daddy a birthday present and how if she got a ticket it would ruin her Daddy’s birthday. He glanced at me once but quickly fixed his eyes back on her. Needless to say, no citation was issued. (Academy Award worthy performance.) I got grounded for getting home late.

We didn’t see each other much after that. She got expelled from school in our junior year. She was caught giving head to the Vice-Principal in an attempt to keep from being expelled for some other infraction. (He didn’t finish our junior year either). She quickly left town to “pursue an acting career”.

 The next time I saw her was my freshman year of college. I had gone for a run and returned to find her sitting on the steps to my dorm. She was crying her eyes out while my hot jock-type boy friend tried to consol her. (Quite a confusing picture. Seems he stumbled upon her while looking for me) She was thrilled to see me and told me so several times. She told my boyfriend that I was the only one in her family who ever understood her. She also confessed she had no money and couldn’t go home because, “Daddy found out.” I closed my eyes as my boyfriend asked the obvious question, “Found out about what?” My cousin feigned embarrassment and even cast her eyes to the side as she answered, “I did a movie that required me to take my cloths off.” “You were nude in a movie and that’s why you can’t go home?” he asked. She managed more tears and revealed, “Well, there was some sex, too.” “Porn? You did porn?” I asked a bit too loud. This caused her fake tears to turn into fake sobs answered, “Some might call it that.”

She spent the next hour in my dorm room eating peanut butter like it was her last meal and promising me she had left that life behind. She exhausted me and wore me down. I agreed to let her spend a couple of days in my room. I told her it was against the rules so only two days and to not let the RA see her.

 Well, two days turned into 4 and I was seriously considering calling my Mother to ask her what to do. Instead of going back to my room after my 2:00 class that afternoon, I stopped by the Frat house my boyfriend lived at to see what he thought. He wasn’t in the living room so I went upstairs to see if he was studying. There, I found him AND my cousin, reenacting a scene from one of her movies. She with her ass in the air and he behind her making that contorted goofy face I had seen before. I actually watched, dumb-founded, for about 15 seconds before she lifted her face from the pillow it was buried in. We locked eyes and in a split second, her face lost all color. In an amazingly calm voice I said, “Get off my campus. Never attempt to contact me again. You are dead to me. Both of you.” I slammed the door and ran.

I was a mess for days. I felt angry, betrayed and foolish. Shouldn’t I have seen that coming? I wanted revenge. I got a hold of a copy of her movie, turns out there was at least 3, and showed it at one of the Frat houses. We charged $5 admission and gave the money to a local woman’s shelter. Ironic, I know but it made me feel a bit better. I did call my Mom. She was only mildly shocked and said “I never knew why you felt like you had to compete with her. You’re just as pretty and ten times smarter.” Thanks, Mom! Where was that little pearl of motherly wisdom about 15 years earlier?

You may think that is the end of this story. Two years later, I got a wedding invitation in the mail. It was on the most beautiful paper, embossed in gold with hand painted flowers on it. My cousin had managed to find a very wealthy “older gentleman” in Las Vegas and was getting married. She included a note that said she really hopped I could make it and would be happy to fly me to Nevada. I burned the invitation on the sidewalk outside my apartment. The next time I went home, my Mom had a present for me; a framed picture from my cousin’s wedding. Her new husband was mid-sixties, about a foot shorter than her and about a foot wider. She had a set of new fake extra large breasts and a rock the size of New Jersey on her hand. I don’t know why but that picture brings me joy every time I look at it.

So, what did I learn from this life-long lesion?
1. Just because someone is related to you, doesn’t mean they should be in     your life.
2. Don’t expect life to be fair, it isn’t.
3. Some people are destined to fall in shit and come out smelling like roses;   deal with it!
4. If it walks like a slut and acts like a slut, it’s still a slut even if it lives in a     $2.5 mil house in Las Vegas.
5. Beauty will fade but brains last forever.

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