cry for help introspection

The Living Morgue

11:42:00 PMPaul

Its been awhile since I've actually written something on cXnX. We have turned our focus to more complex projects that have a broader appeal (from 2 people to 6). I love the direction that the site has taken and I love everything that we have done so far, but sometimes I forget the original intention that this site was established. It was created to function as a living eulogy of my brother and I. A legacy to leave behind. A treasure chest buried in our little slice of cyber infinity.
I have gone through a tremendous amount of pain this month. Mistakes from my past finally catching up to me reminding me that I am a vulnerable, fragile human being. Poor choices made under duress of a diseased mind have changed the direction my entire life has been heading.

For the first time I feel hopeless.

What I'm posting below is not really a poem or narrative but a stream of consciousness from a dark place I have seen recently. The pain and overwhelming sorrow I felt trumped anything I have felt in my lifetime. I wanted to share, as I always do, this with whomever was unfortunate enough to take a chance on our brand of entertainment for tonight. I apologize and please check out Lobster Lobby episode 3 tomorrow.

(all verbatim from a cheap leaky pen on dozens of napkins intended for stale cookies)

the air is heavy like chainmail
breathing is like ingesting a milkshake
so much sadness, shame, guilt, 2nd guesses, doubt, hate
but no compassion

like someone writing a parking ticket
one more scar to handle
one more roadblock to ever being at peace
an awful beartrap
stay or die
chew your leg off and be forever afflicted
i am no longer the person i tricked myself into believing who i am

everytime a name i called 
one step closer to falling off the plank
1000 watching eyes
looking for commonality
a little compassion

there are nothing but eggshells here
fragile thinking its iron
hoping it can save them from danger
waiting to burst under any duress

mouths closed
eyes down 
lips pursed

(omitted) repeats a eulogy
over and over again like reading a phone number
judge, jury, executioner, all in a glass box
every name one step closer to one more scar

forever changed

behind that feminine curtain so much sadness
each bulk chair filled with people at their lowest
one common bond
one common hate
eggshells all around

false bravery
nervous laughter
avoid eye contact
everyone NEEDS what everyone is afraid of

secret is out
curtain is pulled back
nothing to hide anymore
you're a child
you're naked
you're a villian


charged with a crime "unheard (?)"
you can see a piece of their soul leave with every name called


what do they expect
nervous lies
but nessesary
the blindfold before the shooting squad


same manners as a restroom


sorrow hides
hides and grows
there is no healing here
thats on your time
only selling sorrow today


get ready for abuse
clench your teeth
get in bed with a wounded animal
you will BLEED 
you will SACRIFICE
and bruise and give and bruise and give and bruise and give

this is your duty (you're a man)
your chances are over (you're an adult)
your time is through (you're a parent)
time to move forward sideways (and provide)
all for an ILLUSION

(whisper) it what you owe them
pain and sacrifice
you and only you can give it honorably and quietly
your blood may heal them
maybe this time, right?
maybe THIS time
this is all you have left to offer

(skywards) i cant give you what you deserve 
my blood my flesh 
your sin,
i can take it all
(you) will never be first priority

im alone
no one ever "needs" a paperclip

now things change



The living morgue.

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