When we last unearthed this twisted tale of family dissonance we touched upon the actual events that led to the disowning of our construx heroes HERE.
Then Ian revisited his position during the infamous and rightfully dubbed the "Jill Extinction Level Event" HERE
Now this all leads me to an argument I struggle with internally probably alot more than a mentally healthy person should. Am I (we) wrong?
Is this just a product of an immature grudge that I (we) are hypocritically holding against them for something as trivial as an email? Is this something that can be easily fixed with a sheathed ego and a sincere phone call? It very tough to know the real answer but I am sure that I don't want to find out.
We received a huge response to the original Email post, most of it was sweet sentiments of emotional support. I (we) thank you very much for caring enough to send a quick word of support as some of you may know that airing our dirty laundry for the entire planet to see is a little difficult to do especially when it highlights my (our) faults as a family member as well as our parents.
I got an email from an old friend (name withheld due to me not asking) and it brought up the argument that keeping my parents out of my life was harmful to my children and possible to me as well.
Here is the email below. Please click to enlarge if you cannot see it clearly.
I was very moved to get this message not for its content but more for its intent. It brought up some very valid points and the possibility that everything might just be a gross understanding.
I've made my point clear in previous posts, but this email says what people have been telling me for literally a decade now. This brings me to my original point (finally) How much do you tolerate from someone in your family?
How much of a free pass do you give someone in your family? For someone in your family to annoy you is probably easy, just think about the lifetime hours you have put into a relationship with these people and the time you've spent together. Mathematically, they are bound to piss you off more than anyone outside of a spouse.
A family member ... a PARENT not only has the strongest bond a person can have with another person. On the contrary a family member and a parent can hurt you deeper than anyone in your entire history of human interaction. A parent raises you from the second you are torn from the womb. They are your whole life, everything you know and say and do and think and feel and love and hate and believe your parents mold for you. When you develop mental independence and you start to stray from their influence it sets you on a path to adulthood. You take the lessons they gave you and weed out the good advice and learn from your mistakes and then you become an adult.
That's the story we are told right?
Does this give them a free pass to act anyway they want towards you? Is that their dowry for raising you? I don't think so.
The standards for how people treat each other should be set by you and not be put on a sliding scale based on how long you've known them. My intolerance for my parent's behavior, I feel, is based on a decade of emotional abuse and actions by them that I would not tolerate from anyone.
A relationship with my parents based on tolerance is unhealthy.
It's nothing new for people to get a free pass due to them sharing your blood. I watch the show Intervention, and those people look the other way to negligent behavior and negative actions to the point to where they have to exaggerate their conditions to have a slew of television producers to find a solution for you.
There is a family I am very close to that has turned their cheek to drug abuse, thievery, abuse, and sadness all for the sake of tolerating family.
Do people find strength in absorbing abuse from family members just for the sake of telling someone they can?
Back to my point. (you're welcome)
My parents have been nothing but an emotional burden since I've stopped needing them. They have said inexcusable things to me with no remorse, they have chosen to punish my family with neglect. I do not need them in my life. I really don't.
In Intervention they ask the family member "Would you tolerate a stranger stealing from you, taking drugs in your home, and mentally/physically abusing you?"
The answer is no.
"Why do you tolerate it from (_________) then?"
Very well put from an LA studio of all places.
Yes, there are things that are easier to turn the other cheek with when you are close to someone like, for example, Ian and I are. We are lucky enough to be cursed with similar brains, but we don't always agree on things. If we were just co-workers we probably would be on speaking terms anymore, but its still respect that we share.
My parents respect no one. Not a single person.
Respect for someone includes not being the person who emails your son about not being invited for X-mas. Respect doesn't include telling your son that their wedding sucks because of dog babysitting. That's another post.
I do not want my children actually knowing that people like my mother and father exist and somehow limp through a day to day routine. I do not feel obligated to include them in my life. I do not feel that I'm doing them an injustice or cheating them from knowing them.
Family means a little more to me than a name given to me at birth. It means unconditional love, it means, respect for one another, and it means that you selflessly give support whenever its needed. All of which I already have in my life with my own family.
You can disagree with me but family should not be based on unquestioning tolerance, and ignorance. If you'd like, you can call me your cousin as I shatter your nose with a hammer. It makes just as much sense.