Ask a Clemente 3/18

7:24:00 PMPaul

Olivia D., Erie, PA asks: "My neighbor is great but I think she is interested in my husband. She has always been very nice to me and my family but she's just a little too handsy and flirty with my husband. At our sunday bbq she spilled her mojito on my husband's lap! And tried to pat him down with a napkin! My husband was very uncomfortable. So my question is what should I do? Should I confront this woman? How do I handle her?"

Paul:  Whoa whoa whoa there slow down!  One question at a time!  We'll cut you off at "What Should I do?"   Our responsibility on Ask A Clemente Fridays  is that we get all the facts before offering a thought and thoroughly researched answer.  We're on the case!

First off, you need to get check yourself because we can't go around just getting suspicious of people because they have extra hands.  I'm absolutely sick of people with genetic mutations getting a bum rap because they're different.  One week it's because they don't have enough arms and the next it's because they have too many hands.  Enough.  You can't hold it against people for how they're made.

Next, we need to investigate the incident surrounding the spilled mojito.  You say it happened during a bbq.  You need to tell us exactly what kind of charcoal was being used, since some charcoal is so black and of such a profound density that it actually causes disturbances in the gravity of the surrounding area and usually causes most alcoholic drinks to spill throughout the evening.  Be sure to take into your calculation, the weight of the sweetener in the beverage.  If it was cane sugar, then the charoal would have easily upset the delicate balance of the already weighty drink, but if it was sweet n low, then you have real reason to be suspicious.

Either way, you need to keep your eyes on all the drinks at your bbq's to prevent mass spillage disasters.

Now, I need to ask even though it's a sensitive topic:  What about the pat down made your husband uncomfortable?  Someone as handsy as your neighbor probably has an advantage over most over patters, since even if her hands were full, she would still have an extra hand to use, instead of using her elbow, which is a common beginner's mistake.  Was your husband already uncomfortable and her pat down an attempt to comfort him in your absence?  How often and vigorously do you pat down your husband?  Was it different from how you usually pat him down?  What brand of napkin was it?  Please don't tell me it was generic!

Finally we need you to be honest.  You say you're neighbor's "really great" and "sexy" so, who is it you're really jealous of?  Are you upset because your amazingly attractive neighbor doesn't find you interesting enough to stain???  It also might just be that your husband is actually a really interesting guy. Maybe there isn't anyone to be jealous of in the first place.  It looks like you haven't considered the obvious.

But whether it's your fault or not, confront this woman immediately.  Handling her will be extremely difficult since she, with all her handsiness, certainly has you beat in the handling Department, hands down.  Really, there only seems to be one way to deal with this woman in the end. Fortunately for you, you're asking ConstruxNunchux, Once and Future home of all things revenge.  No one knows how to plan, execute or conceal disgusting acts of retribution better than the Clementes.  It usually involves urine filled 2 liter bottles leaned up against doorframes.  But due to legal reasons, we can't tell you how to go about it in such a widely public forum... We can only hint that it involves a three-legged race.

Ian:  One wordThreesome.

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