Ask A Clemente 2/11

5:08:00 PMPaul

Mike R Chicago IL where the hell have you gotten off to?

Sweet Sexy Africa

Paul: A very personal question, but when my wife is gone and there is not suitable pornography available to me. I do pull out the old globe (pre-russian liberation), and spend some time with its glorious display of the beautiful, sexy planet we live on. Although my tastes change as often as my underwear, I do like to start with Africa because it looks the most like boobs at an angle.

Usually that does the job for me, if not I usually finish off with some Australia. One time I was distracted and I saw a full frontal depiction of Florida. I don't know what that means, but I'll leave it up to me just being curious.

Kelly S.
Lakewood NY - "who keeps assholes in check? "

Paul : The job of keeping assholes in check has been passed down since the recognition of the word "asshole" was recognized in 1933 as a derogatory statement.

Not my problem
The first person to recognize the need to keep assholes in check was realized by Al Capone. He primarily used his people, and influence to keep people who he thought were assholes away from him and his dealings. His system of intimidation and extortion worked well for several years until he got distracted with his won business and let an asshole go unchecked. In 1939 Hitler invaded Poland, and it became considered the largest case of letting an asshole go unchecked. Capone was relieved of his duties shortly after. Capone stated that international assholism was not a part of his original duties, and that maybe he was unclear of his role when he took it.

In 1939 Hitler was runnin'wild, and something drastic needed to be done. Professional crime fighter Batman took the job of keeping assholes in check. He immediately went to Germany to straighten out the world's problems. Batman was not known for being a polite diplomat used tactics not unlike his predecessor to intimidate Hitler into "being in check". Batman not only made a political impact during the war, he fought in the Battle of Kursk, and the Battle of Brittan on the BatWing. In 1945 the war was considered over, and a battle weary Batman retired from keeping assholes in check.

So, you fancy yourself an asshole?

In 1945 the first international asshole checker was crowned in Winston Churchill. Winston Churchill cleaned up the political nightmare Batman left behind. He mediated several asshole uprisings, and prevented a asshole extinction level event at one occasion. Although, the asshole checker previously was dealt with high profile problems, Churchill kept his job low key and maintained a passive role asshole checking. Churchill was paramount in building international asshole relations setting up the first asshole checker web of intelligence between the US and England. In 1955 Winston suffered his most severe of his strokes limiting his ability to regulate assholes at a capacity he wanted to.

In 1955 the clear choice was Calvin Klein (aka Marty McFly) with his extensive knowledge of the future, and undeniable charisma. He was truly an asshole checker for the people. The assholes he did let through Calvin claimed were essential to the future, and how it was shaped. Calvin's reign as asshole checker was considered the most lackadaisical out of bunch chosen the previous 3. Calvin kept a passive asshole checking rule, rarely getting his hands dirty, and limiting his interactions with assholes by scaring them with Walk-men. Calvin left his post in 1963 to pursue his musical career, as a rock n roll pioneer.

The post of asshole checker was forcibly taken by singer/actor Frank Sinatra. Him and his group "The Rat Pack" Frank claimed that him and his group of angry white men can keep assholes in check like no one before him, stating that Calvin Klein was soft, and that assholes needed to be dealt with extreme prejudice. Frank and his crew dealt with assholes aggressively, and efficiently for years until Frank's retirement in 1970.

Frightening Assholes
Since China was modernizing at an alarming rate in the 70's they felt it was important to have someone as internationally adept as Churchill, and as intimidating as Batman. Bruce Lee took over the role in 1970
improving the US/China asshole relations. Bruce was arguably the most efficient asshole checker in history. Through his teachings in Jeet Kune Do, and his powerful kicks he kept the US free of Chinese assholes. Bruce was a fair, and firm asshole checker. Contrary to the previous asshole checkers, Bruce's outside interests in film only helped his asshole checking image. In China he was portrayed as a pioneer in China's anti asshole movement. It was estimated that the US asshole population dipped below the 10% mark for the first time at 8.8%. Bruce balanced his job as a movie star, and asshole checker for years until his untimely death in 1973.

Saigon 1975.

In 1973 they knew something drastic needed to happen, and that's when Ziggy Stardust was enlisted as asshole checker in a small intimate ceremony in London. Ziggy and his Spiders from Mars went to work immediately in the Vietnam, ending the war with a precise and deadly spider attack. The most immediate asshole threat was neutralized in 1975 when the Viet Kong surrendered under a swarm of inter-galactic spiders most presumably from Mars. After the war, Ziggy took the asshole checking duties literally, and left dozens a victim of his sexual promiscuity, and empty promises. We cannot forget Ziggy's contribution in Vietnam, but he was taken out of office as quickly as he was sworn in.

JAWS (above) sharing in the grief of the Kent State tragedy.
After years of bridging the gap between the US, China, England, and Mars they felt the need to branch out further still to encompass all assholian threats to our existence. Young upstart and actor JAWS was employed officially in an underwater contract signing. JAWS was an advocate for the animal kingdom, and kept assholes in check with threats of consumption. JAWS inability to go onto land was never a handicap until 1979 where we came 1 hour late to the horrific events in Kent State. JAWS was visibly shaken and some questioned his ability as a leader after that (those people were eaten). JAWS kept assholes into check all the way into the 80's, until his film career took up alot of his time compromising his effectiveness as an asshole checker.

Wait a sec, is that an asshole back there?!
It was decided that the asshole checking business needed a charismatic leader to distance themselves from the bad public image JAWS had left with them. Mr. T was the obvious choice. Mr. T was the shot in the arm that the asshole checking business needed as Mr. T came into the public spotlight. He used his celebrity to spread the word to prevent chronic assholism, and made it accessible to children by changing the word to "fools". Mr. T singlehandedly brought the pediatric asshole rate to an astonishing 5% (down 12% from 1973). Mr. T did the unthinkable, making it a nationwide trend to not be an asshole. His on screen roles only helped magnify his asshole crushing image bringing the asshole population to the lowest in recorded history at a 7% rate. Mr. T continued inspiring and anti-asshole movement successfully until he thought he could leave his position in the best possible standing. Mr. T left his position to further his acting career in 1987, leaving the next person a world with the most manageable level of assholism since it's recognition in the 30's.

Vous etes bienvenue

The asshole checking business coming off it's most successful campaign since its inception looked to branch out further. France was in the midst of the biggest asshole epidemic since the rule of Napoleon. Andre the Giant was commisioned in Europe to keep assholes in check. His huge stature alone kept assholes in check. The European Asshole Rights League (EARL) tried harsh lobbying even trying to keep Andre out of France all together to protect their "right to be an asshole". Andre axe smashed all lobbyist outside France's Senate building after a demonstration. Andre's focus remained on European assholism as Mr. T paved the way to keep the US maintained at a reasonable asshole level. Andre passed away in 1993 leaving Europe a little better and the position unfilled.

Dude ...
1993 was a tough time to keep assholes in check with the rise of the "generation-X's" group of jaded youth. No one seemed up to the job, as the position remained unfilled for 8 months, the longest assholes have ever been unchecked. The asshole population rose to a staggering 16%, and an asshole state of emergency was declared. Batman took control of the situation, and swore himself into the position. He took on the problem with aggression and cool gadgets. He was almost too late as assholation became a part of the US culture in the 90's. Batman knew something drastic had to happen, something that didn't involve batterangs. He worked tirelessly to create something to monitor and correct asshole autonomously without the need of constant vigilante justice. That's when Batman created the internet.

With the invention of the internet, and world wide web Batman set up various programs, and surveillance to control the ebb and flow of assholism. To present day this regulates, and keeps assholes "in check".
These labels never stick right ...

Ian: It's funny you bring this question up, because I've often pondered this one myself. It's certainly a head scratcher, because it should be easy, right? A no-brainer. It's something we all do on a daily basis, often without even noticing it. But... It's. Not. Easy. I think back to seemingly carefree days when this was a primary concern, and I find myself getting frustrated often at the lack of appreciation we have these days when so many of us can't... Oh! Oh, sorry... you said check! My mistake...

In that case, I nominate this man...

Beth C
Jamestown NY asks: Why do you always NOT finish the rest of your hotdog?

Ian: Simple! I don't finish it, because I'm leaving room for a Danish! Ha!!! Seriously, though, there's spiders in the butt ends of hot dogs.

Ian C.'s Subconscious, Astral Plane-- Final Question: What nationality are the Dunk brothers listed as?

The Dunk Brothers getting ready for a dunk.
Paul C: There are a few sets of Dunk brothers that I know of, but I will assume you mean the famous Dunk brothers from Japan. Although all five of them were born in China, they were raised and trained in the Toyko University of the Arts. They acknowledge their Chinese heritage, they consider themselves to be Japanese citizens, in fact they were given that honor in 2003 becoming official honorary citizen's of Japan. When they are not performing Yugi, and Yoshi maintain a residence outside of Shanghai's residential district, as the others all live in different properties in urban Tokyo.

Ian: [Blank stare]. Um, well this is obviously a trick question. We all know that the Dunk Bros. are listed incorrectly on the back of the trading card as hailing from Ontario, thus listing them as Canadian. Of course, their true nationality is revealed in Paul's response. Perhaps you should spend less time threatening my masculinity and more time keeping assholes in check.

You Might Also Like

0 Construxive Remarx

Contact Form