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Shit Japants 5 - Takeshi's Challenge The Game That Hates You

12:57:00 PMPaul

So this game ... wow. After reading and researching this game I COULD NOT WAIT to review it and share it with you. This game was created by a drunk who hated video games but was such a popular comedian at the time they let him do what he wanted. It has violence, insane challenges, karaoke, and insults to the player. On opposite spectrums of video game criticism it is either considered one of the worst games of all time or one of the best for it's truly unique non-traditional style of game play.  The game is called Takeshi's challenge and it hates you.

This man, Beat Takeshi, is a Japanese director, comedian, singer, actor, show host, film editor, presenter, screenwriter, author, poet, painter, and one-time video game designer. He played the teacher in one of my favorite movies of all time Battle Royale   After a long standup career, he hosted the wildly popular Takeshi's Castle which was a game show in which the contestants did bizarre and difficult stunts to advance. It turned into the Spike TV Show MXC.

So this game ....

You start at this screen and from what I've read you can tap the punch button 30,720 times to go right to the ending.

If you're not into wasting hours on that you can actually play the game and burn hours that way. You enter a password screen with an old man who asks you for a password if you want to continue from an old save point. They give you a "PUNCH" option and if you do it you lose the game and start again.

If you resist the urge to punch and old man you play the game as a disgraced Salaryman who gets berated by his boss. Not fired, you just get yelled at. Of course you can punch him, but you can fight your way out of the predicament and head out to a really open ended world with literally no direction. You can go to a bar and drink, you can shop, you can go to the bank, you know all awesome video game stuff for kids.

So I didn't really know how else to summarize the insanity of this game because there is literally so much of it. It's really endless and 99% of what you do either results in a "Game Over" or an endless loop of fighting Yakuza outside until you inevitably die  I am going to run through the steps on how you actually beat the game since the steps are insane enough to make this entertaining.

So when your boss yells at you; don't punch him you are supposed to ignore him.

When you ignore your boss you get a "small bonus" which you need to even go any further in the game. If you punch him and escape you can't go any further because you don't get any other chance to get money ever and you go through an endless loop of dialogue boxes and Yakuza battles.

So when you get money you get to purchase some awesome weapon or item or magic or dragon to ride, right?! right?! Nope! Get your grown ass to the bank and make a withdraw.

You need to close out your account and get 50,000 ¥ because after your run in with your boss you need to hustle to the Culture Club and take some Shamisen lessons. Keep in mind this is the only way to complete the game and the only way you would know this is by insane trial and error or astounding luck. Then you need to head home and talk to your family.

Your wife isn't happy to see you. You're a drunk and a shitty Shamisen player (although you took a lesson today). She wants a divorce.

So the option of solving this problem with punching is on the table. If you do you end up killing her and your children. The game isn't over at this point you just have to live with and go no further in the game without any hints. You are supposed to pay her alimony and she takes a huge chunk of your hard earned Yen. You need to take the lessons BEFORE you divorce her because it takes a % of what's left. If you divorce her first you can't afford the lessons which is essential to completing the game. Following along?

Then you go back to work fresh off a good music lesson and divorce and you have a quit your job.

One you quit your job the first thing you need to do is search the office plant for some extra cash to fund your dream of finally learning hand-gliding. Another reminder, there was no strategy guide, tips hotline, or anything for this digital nightmare.

So you're a divorced, jobless, amateur Shamisen player who dreams of one day Hang-Gliding and the next thing on your plate is gambling. Off to the Pachinko parlor to gamble what little money you have left away.

So when you head to Dick's Pachinko, have to buy 500 balls. Not 100, not 200,not 400, not 600, not 1000 (which are all your menu options) exactly 500. Then you play Pachinko but you don't play to win. YOU HAVE TO LOSE EVERYTHING. 

After you're a now broke, divorced, jobless, amateur Shamisen player who dreams of one day Hang-Gliding the Pachinko lady tells you "... you don't have enough balls."

Then you have to figure out you have to yell into the Player 2  controller's built in microphone. What? Yep with the first generation of Famicom (Japanese Nintendo) it came with a mic. The mic was unsuccessful so they discontinued it. If you didn't have a first gen controller this is where the game ends for you. If you somehow organically yell into the controller they will tell you to "Shut up, you dick!" and you have to fight Yakuza.

If you survive the Yakuza attack the owner gives you 50,000 balls in which you have to buy a Shamisen. NOT the treasure map which is the convoluted point of the game which is just another cruel trick that this game plays on you.

So now you're a  broke, divorced, jobless, amateur Shamisen player who dreams of one day Hang-Gliding that OWNS a Shamisen now you head off to Karaoke bar to rock some 8 bit booty.

Then you have to sing - yes really - sing into the Player 2 mic the same song successfully 3 times. If you fail you have to start over. If you succeed the audience berated you to get off the stage and that you sound like shit.

When you get all 3 songs, the demand you leave the place and send in Yakuza after you. You beat the shit out of them. Then an old man comes out of no where and gives you the map you want/need. Then you beat the shit out of him.

Now you have the treasure map! After divorce, unemployment, gambling, and fighting you have the MAP! YES! YOU HAVE THE MAP! 

Here comes another magnificent troll job by the Sadistic Takeshi. You get the map and you have a few choices and only two of them work.

1) Soak in Water - You have to not touch a thing on the controller for more than 5 minutes but less than 10. Once you hit that sweet spot you have to cry/scream/shout into the mic to progress.

2) Expose to the Sun - You have to leave the game on and untouched for AN HOUR! If you touch a button you ruin the paper. Game over, start again.

Then you go to the airport and fly to the island to where the treasure is.

Then you can buy a gun, sleep at the Inn and get your life back. Keep in mind, there is no previous point in the game where you can do this. You get 4 hearts for the entire game until now. Once you rest up it's time to hang-glide to the place to where the treasure is because there are ducks and UFO's that block the way. If you get hit one time ... ONE TIME it's game over then you start the whole GAME over.

If you make it passed the insanely difficult hang-gliding stage you hit the final cave.

You fight pirates, scorpions, fire blobs, all glitching and coming from no where.

So after divorcing your wife, losing your job, becoming an amateur Samisen player who dreamt of hang-gliding, who lost all his money playing Pachiko, having the blood of dozens of Yakuza on his hands, who mercilessly beat an old man to death and unlocked the secrets of a treasure map, then fought UFO's on a hang-glider with gun and killed Pirates to obtain a treasure ... you open the chest and ...

That's it. Nothing more. A final thumb in the eye of anyone unfortunate enough to player this mad-man's electronic torture device.

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