"philosophy" music

cxnx Shallow HOLIDAY Analysis (Or, the Yuletide Octagenarian Murder Mystery)

11:11:00 AMPaul Clemente


Grandma got run over by a reindeer
walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe. 



Paul: How awful! Why on Earth would you make your grandma walk home on Xmas Eve?! I know there might not be enough room for guests in your double wide, but I would make an exception, or call a cab for her. I'm not sure what this has to do with Santa, he doesn't own every reindeer in the world, he only employs 9 of them as far as I know on a part-time basis. He may have more housed in the North Pole stables, but as far as owning any stables down in Arkansas I would bet on a "no"

Ian: Okay, this is like, the fourth year in a row that you've come up with some lame excuse not to come to my place for Christmas. Just honestly declining the invitation would be fine, at least I would waste less food by expecting you and your family to come over. Well, this year I'm not going to go over to your place, either. I understand that maybe you have to visit her in the hospital, but how severe can the injuries be from being trampled by one reindeer, but do you have to miss the whole holiday? Grandpa, maybe, but come on, we had plans for a whole year! And just because I'm calling your story bull doesn't mean I don't believe in Santa.





She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog.
And we'd begged her not to go.
But she'd forgot her medication,
and she staggered out the door into the snow.



Paul: I can't be too mad because I've been in the situation where I've had a party, and asked people not to drink and drive and they end up taking off when you are not paying attention. Maybe grandma has a bigger problem with self control around alcohol, especially if she's forbidden to drink while on her medication. On the other hand, if you watched her stagger outside in the snow, and let her go?! I have no place some of the blame on you guys, it was pretty neglectful on your end. She's on meds, drunk, its snowing, and she has no car - what a perfect storm for disaster.

Ian: I'm confused. Is she lactose intolerant? Or is it spiked nog? Why did you let her dip into it when we clearly agreed you would be bringing the beverages to our party?? Did she just start drinking as your New England WASP family's normal way of dealing with holiday conflict? But no, haha, that is funny. Old people do have a lot of ailments and often require pills. Good thing she only lives next door, or she might've been picked up by the cops. I still think you coulda done a little more than just begged.


When we found her Christmas mornin,'
at the scene of the attack.
She had hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back. 



Paul: So after you let your poor grandma out into the elements, drunk, un-medicated, AND you didn't call or have her call to see if she made it home OK? I'm beyond the issue of pointing fingers, and I'm going to be straightforward and say that you guys are awful grandchildren. Then when you get to the crime scene the next day, you see Claus marks? What exactly are those? Are they implying a sexual assault, or murder? 

Ian: Attack? I don't understand. Why would you refer to it as being "run over"? If there is a hoof mark on her forehead (potentially enough to cause massive hemorrhaging, I'll give you that), then we can't quite term it as vehicular manslaughter. Either the reindeer trampled her, oblivious to her presence, or it maliciously charged her with harmful intent. I think this would be best left to a jury and not the court of public opinion. Or at least you should have gotten your story straight before calling me to cancel. What's a Claus mark? Was Santa involved in some reindeer gang initiation? Is she still alive?



Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
but as for me and Grandpa, we believe. 

Ian: I'm not saying I don't believe.  I'm saying your story is contradictory and convoluted at best.  In fact, Santa was at my house last night leaving gifts for my 6 and 10 year olds, which does cast an additional shadow of doubt on your implication that he was somehow involved in this unfortunate encounter.

Now were all so proud of Grandpa.
He's been takin' this so well.
See him in there watchin' football,
drinkin' beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle. 

Paul: Its strange how people cope with grief, and I'm glad he found somewhat of an outlet to deal with it all. One thing that sticks out to me is that why cousin Belle can stay at the trailer, but grandma had to be kicked out with urgency.
 
Ian: Claus marks, eh...? You sure those gray hairs couldn't have belonged to another old man? An old man, perhaps, who's been eying up cousin Belle since at least 7 years ago when I caught them in our coat room... well... maybe this isn't the best time to go into all that. I'm just saying that if you're only repeating the events as Grandpa relayed them to you, you may have some further explaining to do when the blue haul you in for aiding and abetting and false testimony.

It's not Christmas without Grandma.
All the family dressed in black.
And we just can't help but wonder:
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?
(Send them back)

Paul: I didn't know any NASCAR drivers had black as a color, but how people cope with death is their business. Now are they talking about gifts from grandma or gifts to grandma? of course you would want to open gifts from grandma as it would be what she would have wanted. Gifts to Grandma should be settled like how any southern dispute, with a drinking contest or over ignorant shouting to determine the fate of the unclaimed gifts.


Ian:  I don't want to pass judgment, but I would think the last thing that taking place would be the execution of present delivery.  First, if it's Christmas, few to none of the stores will be open, so I would think you can wait a day or two to decide.  Second, you would have to open them anyway if you were to take them ba--wait a minute!!  We're straying from the point here.  I don't doubt that Grandma is incapacitated and even, as you imply, maybe dead too, but are you just assuming that I'm buying your story.  I'm assuming if your current business matters involve whether to take back your gifts or not, then you haven't taken the time to get your story straight, much less call the fuzz.  Well allow me... And incidentally, what does Grandpa have to say about the gifts?  Does he have the receipts at the ready?  Hmmm, suspicious... I guess he did build his fortune, and your family's neighboring mansions through frugal, unsentimental business decisions...

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe. 

Paul: I feel bad it took the (alleged) murder of your grandmother to believe in Santa Claus, there had to have been an easier way.

Now the goose is on the table.
And the pudding made of fig.
And a blue and silver candle,
that would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig. 

Paul: It's nice that you guys can still and try to enjoy Xmas after such a tragedy. Goose and Fig pudding is a strange choice for southern cuisine, I would almost guess a deep fried turducken would be the preferred choice in the trailer park.


Ian: I don't know what I'm more appalled by-- Is it that you clearly had no intention of attending my get-together as you had already prepared the goose and figgy pudding, or is it that instead of calling the cops to come in and handle this bizzare set of circumstances, you gather around the table as usual while feeling sorry for yourselves?


I've warned all my friends and neighbors.
"Better watch out for yourselves."
They should never give a license,
to a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.

Paul: I don't see the relation between the two. He employs elves, not plays. Yes, there is a company picnic, but Santa remains a casual observer during all events besides the egg toss.  I'm not sure what kind of operator's license you need to drive a sleigh, if it's an agricultural license you may have a valid argument there, as you can't operate farm machinery on public streets. 


Ian:  So that's what this call is... this is actually a warning, okay... Not a hastily cobbled excuse for avoiding a social gathering... Not an alibi... Odd that you're the only person on the entire block to suffer such a travesty.  Odd that you're also tellin me I'd better watch myself.  Are you trying to send a message?  Is Grandma perhaps an cautionary example that I should heed?

  
Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
walkin' home from our house, Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
but as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
(Sing it Grandpa)

Paul: You don't think grandpa is having a tough enough time with all of this?

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
walkin' home from our house, Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
but as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Ian: As you've said several times already.  If you keep telling yourselves that, you'll eventually believe it.  Goin for the insanity defense here?

You Might Also Like

0 Construxive Remarx

Whattya Think?! Lettuce Snow!!

Contact Form