Shallow Analysis: 1000 Miles of Cock

7:00:00 AMPaul Clemente




My baby left me for a 1000 miles of cock

Paul: This is such a sad story. I can only imagine how the news was broken - a note, a text, a voicemail ... no matter how it was done there is no real polite way to let someone down. I've never seen 1000 miles of cock, but I have very little experiences with cocks outside of locker room incidences with uninhibited old men.

Ryan: I remember when this story broke. At first people were just sad until the 1000 miles of cock started moving. It went on the HWY 401 and drove into anything that got in its way. 

Ian:  First, for ZH fans and other members of the Canadian public, a thousand miles is in the neighborhood of 1,609 kilometers.  Regardless of the measurement system employed, the amount of cocks one can fit in this distance is approximately 11,500.  This is based on a penile average of 5.5 inches per cock (ipc).  (To any of our Chux Chasers taht actually reach an average--or, god bless em, above average--penis length, kudos!)  Thing is, this is one ambitious baby.  Let's assume she's reeeeaaalllly promiscuous.  The current record for most partners in one day belongs to Miss Lisa Sparks (incidentally, one of cXnX's favorite adult entertainers) who stalled out at 919.  In her defense, it was more a matter of running out of time than running out of steam(y holes).  But can the average ho hope to attain and maintain a similar pace?  Think about this.  Let's figure conservatively:  10 men a day would take about 3, 3 and a half, years.  That's with no sick leave no holidays.  All in all, it's actually a pretty reach(around)able goal.  This is disregarding many real-world factors though...  So if this girl made the assertion let's come to it face value.  What is exactly the purpose of leaving any particular person for 1000 miles of cock?


It wasn't that way 'till she started


Smokin' rock...


Paul: Oh, OK. So crack brings forward cock-cravings. Sounds terrible. I have to place a little bit of blame on the writer, crack isnt something you do alone. I would have smelled it on her breath.

Ryan: She did not care at all... Crack gives people desires that are things they rarely would ever consider doing. I remember seeing the girl on Zim'co tying puppies together... it was bad

Ian:  Okay, okay... Look, I don't want to be that guy, but let's be honest.  You may have been blind to her ways before she straight up told you that she was interested in bulk quantities of dick, but there had to have been clues.  Anyone who has ever been in a relationship before has been in an unfaithful one.  Especially if it's with another person.  In the one or two experiences I've had with some sort of romantic pursuit, it's ended poorly and ended upon the discovery that even before she started the rock, she had started to tally up the phalli.  But, y'know, say what you gotta say to help yourself cope.


Well now she's out there on the corner


Of the block



Ryan: Each block is made of 4 corners. Every hour she would switch the corner of said block. In even numbered days she would move clockwise and uneven days she moved counter clockwise, which is very tough to keep track of for a crack head. 

Ian:  Ryan proposes a very systematic approach, but again let's number-cram here, shall we?  Going by my dear alma mater, Chicago, a standard is 8 blocks per mile, which would posit one solitary block at approximately 1/8 of a mile.  Most other city blocks are even smaller, even if consistent.   How could one hope to fit that much cock on one corner of one block?  Remember, y'all, we're talkin between 10,000 and 12,000  rods here.  Even if they're all disembodied, there's no way to avoid some clutter.  I have allowed for the possibility that she may be out on the corner waiting for a bus to take her to a johnson farm or a dick depot.



My baby left me for a 1000 miles of cock

A 1000 miles of cock...

Yee-haw...



Ryan: The scariest part was at this point, the mileage of cock continued to increase. Though, at this time it was about 1027 miles of cock, Zimmers hole wanted to keep the song as simple as possible. 

My baby left me for a 1000 miles of cock

She's workin' zimco...

It's right around the block


Ryan: Zimco was a convenience store. They figured that by hiring a woman who lacked morals would give them the edge in a city filled with convenient stores.

Ian:  If she's getting her rock needs met by mounds and mounds of meat, then why would she need to moonlight at Zimco?  How would she even have time?    Is she taking daily transport between the wholesale weenis mart and the zimco?  They must have great benefits, and can safely assume she'd need them, taking so many stiffies over the course of her young life.



She's at the factory.. yeah..

Right around the clock

My baby left me for a 1000 miles of cock

A 1000 miles of cock...

Ryan: Most of the people who took advantage of her services worked at a factory. Ironically the factory was a caulking plant. You could imagine the lame jokes that the men made at her expense. 

Ian:  Lemme guess, the fudge factory, durrr hurrr hahahahaha.... wait, what?  But seriously, how can she be on the corner, at the zimco and at the factory?!   Is he just bitter about a breakup and spreading cheap rumors the way cheap receivers spread their cheeks?  Is it maybe three or more different women he is mistaking for his baby?  Maybe she just left him because he's psychotically jealous.  Where did she go??


Where did she go???

A 1000 miles of cock


Ryan: She died.... On of the saddest Canadian stories ever told...  

Ian:  Uh, yeah.  I just asked that because you haven't been very clear or consistent in your explanation.  And listen, 1000 miles of cock is not a destination, not even an experience like following Phish around (although, if we're talkin about road time clocked on chasing gigantic choads...).  I think you need to come down to the bar with George and me and relax with a brew.  Listen, she ain't comin back.  Would you even want her back at this point?  I promise, you'll get over her and someday even be able to say a prayer that she'll overcum her addicktion.  

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