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Construx Conspiratorz: @dansterlace Top 10 Mario Enemies

10:27:00 AMPaul

This was a twitter reply about our Mario Brothers list. Please give @dansterlace a follow - this guy obviously knows his stuff. There are some guys I missed for sure. 

First off, there was no actual hate toward your list. I was just marking out my love for the Blarg. My humble opinion for a top 10:

 10.) Buzzy Beetle - What's that? Oh, it's just the same thing as a Koopa Troopa. Except that it's invincible (except to another kicked Buzzy Beetle, the way diamonds are only able to be scratched by other diamonds). Have fun with that fire flower, spitting it in vain.

9.) Piranha Plant - Turned every pipe into a game of Russian Roulette. The variety is what sets these apart, because they came up with various ways to make them kill you.

8.) Boss Bass - Fuck that guy. Just when you think it's safe to go back in the water, this asshole eats you. Then you're dead, just like that. Swimming suddenly became a full 2 minutes of panic.

7.) The Sun - Hi. I'm The Sun. I'm going to terrify you and try to fuck up your face for THE ENTIRE LEVEL. And when you think you've killed me, you're dead wrong. Because I come back, bitch.

6.) Dry Bones - When he first showed up in Super Mario Brothers 3, he frustrated so many people because they had no idea how to defeat them. Nintendo had to nerf them in later games so that they made levels passable. Not to mention they're my favorite team augmentation in Mario Strikers Charged because of their balance. They have a nasty knack for reassembling at the absolute worst time to screw you over. Did I mention they're just about invincible?

5.) Blarg - BLARG!!! BLAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGG!!! C'mon! He lives in fucking LAVA! You're riding a rickety little log in the middle of a river of lava and then suddenly this son of a bitch surfaces like an orca and tries to eat you with that dopey expression on his face, and even if you clear the jump to get over him you've got to then land back on the stupid log. The worst part is when you die, his cross-eyed expression stays on the screen, taunting you worse than the dog in Duck Hunt!

4.) Lakitu - Spiny isn't but so bad. But this guy is a Spiny generator, and he has infinite ammo. And just when you think you've got him cornered, just when you think you can steal his ever-prized cloud, he pops one out while you're mid-jump.

3.) Cheap Cheap - Listen. I know what you're thinking. "Really? They're not so bad." They are flying. Goddamn. Fish. They are fish that hurl themselves through the air in an attempt to kill you, and they don't let walls or floors or lava or lack of a third dimension stand in their way. And when they show up, there's an entire goddamn army of them, coming from all directions. They're horrifying.

2.) Hammer Brothers - One reason. World 8 - 3. I can't count how many times these guys made me hurl my controller in a rage as I had to restart the entire game. Later games had them flying on winged platforms and hitting the ball harder than other Strikers players...but they absolutely hit their peak of hatred in Super Mario Brothers and World 8 - 3.

1.) Phanto - Nobody blames you guys for leaving Phanto off the initial list. That's because everybody tries very hard to forget he even exists. The worst part of this guy is as soon as you saw the key in Super Mario Brothers 2, you knew what was coming. Then you'd scope out the length to the exit, the places you could ditch that key just to make him leave. Let me state that again...this thing was so fucking terrifying that it made Mario (or Toad, Luigi, or the Princess) throw away their objective just so that it would leave them alone. You can't kill it. You can't stop it. You can only run as this unbelievably horrifying, smiling clown-mask face revolves around you until it circles in for the kill.

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