canaan questions

Consult Construx #3

8:04:00 PMPaul

We've had a great response so far for our new feature, and we hope our answers have proved helpful, insightful and entertaining. Please be sure to continue submitting questions on Facebook (Construx Nunchux), Twitter (@ConstruxNunchux), and email ( .

This week's Construx Consultants are Ryan (@ryannoble66) and Ian, for your consolation and consideration.

Canaan P. 
Pittsburgh, PA

 "If you could pick your top 3 "Man, it would be awesome to have that job!", what would they be?  And dont make it about money!!!"


Chad D. 
Pittsburgh, PA

"If Smurfs hold their breath, what color do they turn?" 

IAN:  I am so glad you've asked this question, Chad, because it gives me the wonderful opportunity to educate the public at large about the proper anatomy and behavioral patterns of these seemingly whimsical creatures.  First, it's important to note that Smurfs do not breathe.  Smurfs are the proposed and confirmed next step in our evolution, assigned the taxonomical nomenclature Homo Schtroumpfus.  As such, they have developed a physiological method for systematic stasis that requires neither breathing nor oxygen.

To help illustrate, here's a quick wourd from our friend, Neil deGrasse Tyson...

It may clarify further to demystify the physical representation of a smurf.  It is not the anthropomorphized biped presented in animation and illustration in the Western world.  In fact, we can't really display what a Smurf looks like because its shape is incomprehensible by the human eye.  Here's the closest approximation we've been able to verify:

So, what do Smurfs require, and how to the acquire it?  Since their system functions in such a radically different way than ours, the most simplistic way to describe it necessitates a little bit of inaccurate description,  but can be summed up by saying that they absorb the nutrients they need, Thiamin, Riboflavin and Neon being the primary ones, through the skin.  To accelerate this process, they have created a very exact, methodical series of movements enabling them to absorb that shit all the quicker.  Here is a brief, and closely appropriated presentation approved and performed by a half-man, half-smurf.

Of course, popular culture has attempted to raise awareness by promoting this as a dance craze.  Scientists and apothecaries have hypothesized several variations based on different schools of thought.  The most widely accepted belief is that millenia later, Smurfs will then evolve into a race of super beings:

Some disagree and insist humanity will take a direct course of development into what has been termed the Homo DouglusHere's what they propose it will manifest as.

Both major schools of thought agree that in the distant, almost unimaginable future, our race will all evolve into a set of boneless, limbless creatures capable of taking on the shape of others, even including B-Movie plot devices.

Initial research has revealed this theorized evolution.

Don't be afraid, just stay ahead of the curve.

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