best of questions

Best of CxNx: Ask a Clemente

9:26:00 AMPaul

Here is a section where he let the "chux chasers" ask us some questions in hopes we connect on a more intimate level beyond the computer screen.

1. Erin H. - McKeesport PA. ~ what is the story behind your tattoo(s)?

Paul: What a great question! I like it because I can satisfy my need to vanity, and ego. I will go in order chronologically. All of my tattoos were done at:
Almighty Studios in Jamestown NY. Not to fanboy, but they are incredible there, the art, atmosphere, and attitude there is like nothing you are used to from a tattoo shop.

This is my first ever tattoo. Its Kanji for Serenity. Simple and to the point. Who doesn't want serenity?

My second tattoo is a pictorial of APerfect Circle's "Mer de Noms" album (french for sea of names). What I interpret sea of names to be is that all the people you meet in your life, may drift away, but they are always there. The runes are a
cryptogram created by Billy Howerdel and Maynard James Keenan.

This was a 6 parter. The eye was first. It's the "third eye" from Tool's album "Aenima". Secondly was the ring around the third eye from Tool's album "Lateralus". Thirdly, is the hand with the flaming eye from "Lateralus" again. It took 3 visits to do the hand for all the vein detail. I've had it for 5 years now, and I still catch myself looking at it. Lastly, is the blue lightning from the top another little piece from "Lateralus" album work. The original design for the Third Eye is Chet Zar. The whole Lateralus art is from Alex Grey.


My wife's initials, but her maiden name E.L; Elizabeth Lender.

My wife's intiials in the APC Runes from the earlier tattoo. I just loved the font so much, and I wouldn't imagine that too many people have it.

This is the Buddhist Aspiration Prayer written in Tibetan. I consider myself Buddhist amongst all the religions I know. It seems to bring me a depth to my spirituality, and some balance.
It's translated as:
"May all beings, equal to the sky,
have happiness and the causes of happiness;
May all beings be free from suffering
and the causes of suffering;
May all beings never be separated from the great
happiness which is beyond all suffering;
May all beings dwell in kindness free
from desire and hatred for those near and far."

This was drawn by
Stephen Slesinski artist for my favorite Penguins (and possibly of all the internet) website The Pensblog. I am a HUGE Penguins fan. I watch every game I can (and pay 169 bucks for the privilege) and have followed them since 1991. I wanted to get something undeniably Penguins, but not the typical logo. I picked this guy who is called "Dicky Roberts" to forever rep the black and vegas gold on me forever.

Ian: How am I gonna follow this act?! I'm not one for answering this question, ever, much less seriously. Maybe it's because my tats and answers could never equal the passion displayed above, but I guarantee these impossibly silly reasons for the ink are true. This is my first tattoo, about a year old. It's a parallelogram. I think about 8 years ago, I was sitting in this attic, with a few people, not drinking. At that time, I was still considered a charming and exotic sort, behaviorally at least. Someone--I remember it being a guy, but I don't think there were any other guys present--asked what kind of tattoo I would get. I responded flippantly, "A parallelogram," which earned a chuckle. It was my goal to permanently add a mark to my body without any emotional attachment to it at all; how clever and ironic! Well, time passed and for all my impulses and indulgences, a tattoo never materialized. Last year, as part of a charity Tattooing event, Tree House promoted Tats for Cats, a perfect opportunity to finally take advantage of this silly, deconstructive idea. I went to Insight Studios with my friend Kris who flew in from Pittsburgh specifically to get drawn on alongside me. As I drew the design for the tat, the true idea came to light, one of Pythagorean perfection. The dimensions are in perfect proportion--the length is exactly twice the width and the obtuse angles twice the acute etc. I started to think about the idea of perfection. It was attainable and striking on paper, but on my flabby arm, it loses its impact. A good reminder. Though the picture is weak city, the angles are diagrammed in dark blue and the lines in red.

Here's my only other tattoo, also created by the clean and tidy folks at Insight. It's almost a year old, done for another charity even that a different shelter was promoting. I feel my simple designs don't do their craft justice, but this one actually has some influence behind it and represents a subculture I identify with. The story behind this bullseye is the book Please Kill Me which I read as a senior in high school and presented in Mr. Williams' Oral History class. Story goes that Richard Hell drew a crude target on a tshirt with the words "PLEASE KILL ME" under it, or around it. I've always loved that idea, as I do any antagonistic display that forces your demographic or any bystanders into an actual reaction. Apparently, Hell fashioned this statement while still with Television, one of my alltime favorite bands, and before Tom Verlaine ordered him to "Quit jumping around like an idiot" causing Hell to quit and form the Voidoids. So this is my own target, both challenging and accusing the outside world to shoot me in the back. The inker at Insight had to be cajoled into committing this to my upper back because in his words, "It will never be a perfect, symmetrical circle on that part of your body." I doubt I'll find someone who I can convince to add a third ring.

2. Wes M. - Culpepper, VA ~"Are you related to Roberto [Clemente]?"

I'm not, but I wish he was my dad - I'd sing him a song!

Ian: I wish I had access to a photo of Robert "Popop" Clemente sitting with Roberto in old Three Rivers handing him a novelty sized baseball bat emblazoned with the old Koppers logo to commemorate the opening of the stadium. Apparently Koppers was heavily involved in the construction of the stadium and it made a good photo op. Since leaving Pittsburgh, I can no longer rely on being asked the above question on a daily basis. I'm certainly not embarrassed to share my last name with such a class act. In all seriousness, I'm sure you're all aware of the man's great humanitarian leanings. He was a well-spoken, well-mannered and well-liked individual; incidentally, all qualities shared by Popop Clemente. Pardon the sentimentality, but it's sincere. The article might be available on microfiche...

3. Kelly S.-Lakewood NY ~ why, as men get older, does the hair stop growing on their heads but continue growing on the ears??

Paul: Theories vary but, scientists have come to a vague conclusion that men's ear hair directly correlates to the idea that human's have always been designed to hunt like bats. The echolocation we have not been blessed with (yet) would utilize the ear hair as a receptor that reflects off our pray.

Ian: Men's ears are on their heads.

4. Phil B. - Castle Shannon, PA ~ what?

Paul: Oh, sorry I didn't know you were on the phone.

I'll break your arm...

5. Jared A.- Lakewood NY ~can I slap you if you a wearing a banana costume?

Paul: Yes, you may. It would be assumed if I was near you in a banana costume, trouble is inevitable anyways.

Ian: A slap on the back maybe for inventing the banana costume, which as far as you know, I did. (Or slap me with a lawsuit if you're the guy who actually invented the banana costume [loosens collar]...

Greg S.
Indiana PA asks- "
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?"

Paul: I am sooooo tired of people wanting to stereotype a one armed man! You think they have nothing else better to do than commit crimes? Listen, I know a one armed man, he is a good standing member of my community, and he refuses his handicap to change his day to day life.

One arm? If only ...
I was talking to him while driving him to his support group to R.A.G.E. (Rick Allen Gathering of Extemitiy-less) and we chat about the everyday nightmare he faces only having one arm. They are just like us really, just that they can't clap at sporting events, shoot a bow and arrow, swim in a straight line, or perform some complicated surgical procedures. He tells me how people expect them to use their feet all the time to overcome their handicap, but you can't expect a grown man to cut a steak with his feet. One-armed people are to be treated with respect, and humility. I will not dignify this question with an answer, as I feel one-armed men AND women should be able to roam free with their own kind peacefully without ridicule and people wanting to arrest them.

Ian: As a deputy advisor on the advisory board for the One Arm Task Force, I strongly advise anyone attempting to apprehend a one-armed man to exercise extreme excessive force.

Canaan P.
Pittsburgh, PA asks - "If you could pick your top 3 "man, it would be awesome to have that job", what would they be...and dont make it about money."

Paul: My list is simple as I have dreamed them since I was young:

1. A member of MC Hammer's posse:

sup little man?
Although, I would have been 12 around the peak of Hammer's fame, being apart of his posse was not only profitable, but incredibly fun. Traveling around the world, and getting paid 6 figures sounds like the perfect job for me; one that requires no effort but affords me the freedom to do what I want. Plus I figure I would have met Boyz 2 Men, Vanilla Ice, and possibly a member from Jodeci during my time with his posse.

2. Pro Wrestling Referee:

What appeals to me is that you are instantly a part of sports history, being there up close with some of the greatest athletes on the planet, and the excitement of the crowd would just get my blood pumping. The plus side is that it seems that you don't have to be aware of anything. You can turn a blind eye to illegality, and when you get touched by anyone you can take a nice 10-15 minute nap having to recollection of anything that happened previously to that. Seems pretty easy job where you only need to count to 3, if you get confronted you fall down and turtle, and if you feel assertive you are the boss and your word is above all.

3. NHL Penalty Box Attendant: After a huge penalty, wouldn't you love just to look the guy in the eye, and tell him "you know, you fucked up". You would inevitably meet all the NHL players during your career, and the only thing you would need to do is count down from 2, 4, 5, or 10 open the door and earn a paycheck.

Ian: First, I'd like to work for the U.S. Mint. I'd get to have complete control over inflation and devaluation. Man, it would be awesome to have that job.

Second, I would like to be the Monopoly banker. Seriously, guys, I know last time, I threw the bank out the window and kicked over the board and said I hated you all because you're a bunch of cheaters, but I swear this time it'll be different. Man it would be awesome to have that job.

Third, I'd like to be MC Hammer's accountant. Talk about getting paid to do nothing! Ha! Man it would be awesome to have that job.

Clare F. Pittsburgh PA asks - "Why are YOU so persistent?"

Paul: You know I've heard that a few times in my life from different people. I think the explanation stems from a deep seeded ..... eh, I'm bored - nevermind.

Ian: I thought I had asked you not to bring that up, ever again. It's true, I used to have a problem with persistence. I think it's glanular and now that it's common knowledge, I suppose I'll reveal how I've dealt with it throughout the years:

Vanessa S. Ambler, PA asks - "what is thundersnow?"

Paul: The year was 1993 and "Informer" was enjoying it's 7th week at #1 on the Billboard charts, and Canadian rapper Snow was cashing in hand over fist. His album, "12 Inches of Snow" was platinum in the US and triple platinum in Canada, and life was good for Snow. In early 1994 after a length tour of the US, and Canada; Snow was approached by the Pepsi corporation. Pepsi was fresh after the commercial failure of Crystal Pepsi, and they were looking for something else insane to sink their limitless money into. After years of testing and focus groups they determined that the energy drink was the going to be the future of the beverage industry.

They approached Snow with the idea to be the figurehead of the then unnamed energy drink campaign to which he replied, "Word ..." On the assumption that it meant yes, and his agent accepting the multi-million dollar endorsement from PepsiCo proceeded with the drink being branded "Thundersnow". Thundersnow the first energy drink ever introduced by a major US beverage company. It's flavor has been described as predominately fruity, with a hint of spice and a touch of the key ingredient guaraná. It was marketed as a "high-energy drink" with guaraná and caffeine. In full production and ready to ship, Thundersnow was 3 months away from launch. Pepsi Co. was ready to film a commercial with the Canadian MC. Snow was no where to be found. Director, Bob Giraldi, (who's previous claim to fame was setting Michael Jackson on fire in 1984, and ironically working on MJ's HIStory video collection) was furious! They contacted Snow, and Snow's representatives numerous times with no answer. The production was shut down that same day with the Pepsi Co. having a tough decision ahead of them.

Snow calling Pepsi "wack"
Sending Snow's attorney a breach of contract subpoena, the deal between Pepsi and Snow was finished. The drink was later re-branded as Josta, and enjoyed mild success for a little under a decade. Snow seemed unfazed by the bad publicity thinking, he could carry himself with his music for the rest of his career. Years later during a sit down interview with Purplesky Magazine he was asked by a Japanese reporter about the deal with Pepsi and Snow. Snow called the whole situation "wack," leaving the rest for interpretation.

Ernie H. Cheektowaga NY asks: "Where was Jesus for the 3 days between his death and resurrection?"

Paul: In the year 28 A.D. (although debatable I guess) Jesus was crucified by the Romans for "spreadin' shit" about Pontius Pilate's wife for being fat saying, "If I had to create bread and fish just for her 4999 people would've went hungry." Pontius then ordered for Jesus to be crucified, and the rest is history (literally).

I'm not mad, just disappointed.

What most people don't know is the events occurring directly after the crucifixion. Jesus, using his magic, was totally fine after being left to die on the cross, he faked being dead to be left alone by all the angry Romans. Although not hurt, he was stuck on the cross long into the night not being able to wiggle free. Once free and safely on the ground, Jesus knew he had a little bit of time to himself before he had to come back, and seek revenge.

A peaceful man by nature, and with time on his hands Jesus went to wander the Earth to enjoy the peace and quiet the rumor of his death will undoubtedly provide. It was very late, and the temperature was dipping into the high 40's Jesus looked for shelter, and a place to sleep for a few hours before enjoying his short career of anonymity. He found a cave in the distance and flew over to the opening peaking inside to see if it was empty or not.

Approaching the cave, he found a small pack of Raptors. Taken back due to his limited experiences with dinosaurs, he smiled and walked up to the Raptors with a smile and an open hand. The Raptor's acted with cautious aggression by hissing and receding back into the darkness of the cave. Jesus created some fish, and offered the scared beast some food in exchange for a place to rest. The Raptor sniffed the scaly meal and snapped at it catching the tip of Jesus' finger. Jesus looked at his bloody finger tip, and tried to sort out his emotions in a quick and rational way. At this moment, he knew, all dinosaurs must pay.

who's there, please?
Sorry, friend.

For two days, Jesus sought out all remaining existing dinosaurs and destroy them. Luckily the population of dinosaurs in Jerusalem were limited to a few dozen or so, as Jesus systematically eliminated all remaining of them on Earth.

Chasing his final dinosaur he came upon what appeared to be his tomb. He snagged a Compsognathus by the thoat and gets caught off guard by two women one named Mary Magdalene. His cover was blown. He snapped the small dinosaur's neck to the horror of the women and he knew he had to think quick. He looked the two women, and smiled .... "I'm back bitches!"

Now keep your mouth shut

Ian: Of course, I'd expect Paul to spout that utter trash just trying to cash in on all those poor suckers with gullible minds. His answer couldn't be further from the truth, and those of us who are truly devout deserve to expose the true reasons for the disappearance of our lord.

The period referred to in the question is commonly known in the Common Era as Jesus' "Lost Weekend." During this time, he flew to Los Angeles, and hob-nobbed with many notable failures of the time. Of course, he ran into John Lennon, as you'd expect. They got along quite well, as a matter of fact, and jokes abounded, Jesus remarking, "You know, out of all the apostles, Ringo was my favorite..." They drank Brandy Alexanders, heckled the Smothers Brothers, smothered the Heckles Brothers, and recorded two miserable albums. In fact, Jesus and Lennon became inseparable. Little did the one guy know that the other guy was having a lot of a affairs. A lot. Though in good humor, Jesus once brought up Lennon's famous remark and the two decided to test who was truly bigger. So, Harry Nilsson got out his yard stick (the Ladies know what I mean!) and said, "Back to back, bitches."

Erin H.McKeesport PA asks: "what are your thoughts on congress' attempt to redefine the word rape?"

Ian: I have caught this news story from several sources and it's clear there's a lot of confusion about what's going on. No government is trying to redefine the word rape. They can't. The word was never defined to begin with. Because we have to start with a Definition of No. What does No mean? Ladies?? Secondly, I'm required by law to let you know my intention to redefine your underwear...

But what are my thoughts? Personally? I would say I'm bitter. See, I had originally proposed a renaming of the crime, not a redefinition of the word. Before starting pro-bono work on CXNX for the public, both Paul and I held jobs as competing lobbyists. I supported a bill to rename rape as Michael McDonald. By attaching this foresty visage and unforgettably grating voice to any crime one would ensure that anyone who even briefly considers the act would automatically associate it with such a displeasing image as to kill not only an unlawfully rampant sex drive, but motivation to do anything other than jam an entire package of Q-Tips into one's ears and surrepetitiously view snuff films just to erase the aural and visual stain that is Michael McDonald. As you can easily predict, Paul lobbied for the campaign to re-name rape Peter Cetera...

Elizabeth Y., Murrysville PA asks: "What can I invent in 2011 that is going to make me a million dollars?"

Ian: In my line of work, I run into a lot of geniuses. I also call them nerds and take their nerd goggles. In your case, I'll make an exception. Having recently succeeded in redefining the word invention, Congress has published a list of acceptable products for the year 2011 A.D. (After Dinosaurs). Due to a loophole, there are two items not included on that list: The first one is the wheel.

Secondly, you could invent a machine that makes a million dollars. Now let's go over the specs...

I would sugest inventing the Million Dollar idea helmet, but I've already patented it.

[ed. note the answer for this particular question are pending copyright]

Or just ask this guy:

Mandy S.Pittsburgh PA asks: "What is Bob Barker's lifespan?"

I'm a scoundrel, so what?

Paul: It was 1972, and Bob was chosen to take over the re-vamped version of the 50's popular game show the Price is Right. During some rehearsals, and sound checks Bob was approached backstage by a young beautiful woman who engaged him immediately in conversation. Being a man of his status fresh off hosting The Family Game, Bob was no stranger to ladies propositioning to him. He turned on the charm as only he could and smiled at her and spoke to her poetically, about how captivating she was to him. He offered her a night's stay at the Holiday Inn he was staying at that night with a wink and a nod.

The first episode was filmed, and wrapped to print. Bob went back to his hotel room eagerly anticipating a wild night with his new lady friend. Before he could adjust to the darkness of the room he was grabbed by the young lady, and throw onto the bed. Bob quipped, "Wow, come on down ..."A cold hand then snapped around his neck as he saw the beautiful lady with focused eyes. He asked her what she wanted from him, as he became helpless under her surprising strength. She smiled revealing fangs under her painted lips. Bob was scared, as she tried to calm him down. "Do you want to live forever?" she asked. Bob was stunned. He recognized her from the Woman's Rights movie The Broad Coalition which was filming in the lot down from his. He used to come by around lunch time and take the extras back to his hotel room, and eat the superior movie catering to his TV studio.

Like you're surprised?

"I know you, you're Phylicia right?" Bob nervously answered. She nodded and sunk her teeth into his orange tanned neck. Years later, Phylicia Rashad and Bob Barker kept in touch as their respective careers blossomed. They attend bi-monthly celebrity vampire meetings, and discuss who is worth of immortality, and who needs to be eliminated. Bob will always admit he is grateful for the gift she gave him that night, and the reason behind turning him will forever remain a mystery. Bob's has been heard saying he will leave this earthly realm "when is work here is finished". The meaning behind that may be intentionally cryptic, but until he's gone we will enjoy the happiness he gives to us everyday.

Mark K.Cincinatti OH asks: "What area of wilderness was Woods Madness filmed in?"

Paul: I really don't remember much about the events that proceeded the filming of Woods Madness. Ian was visiting me to celebrate my daughter's birthday, and Halloween collectively. The night before Halloween, Ian and I were drinking and playing Playstation when he came up with the idea to drink Zima, and take some of these pills he had in his wallet. It wasn't my idea of a good time, but he was so charming and persuasive. He told me that only one Zima will do, then we can go back to having fun, and watching Tokyo Gore Police. I must have went to bed after that because I don't remember much of the rest of the night. I woke up that morning freezing in the woods. I was more confused than mad, as the rest of the afternoon we tried to find our way back home. You know the rest from there I guess ...

Kris F., Pittsburgh PA asks: 1. "If you could be any muppet who would you be or who would you combine?"


Paul: I would combine the Swedish Chef and Beeker. The Swedish Chef has the killer instinct, dexterous hands, and knowledge of knives. Beaker is the ultimate right hand man, he does what you ask him to, and is seemingly impervious to damage. Together they would make the perfect killing machine, plus the sounds they would make would be unreal.

Ian: At first, I was going to request to combine Fozzie and Woody Allen into my DNA, perhaps imbuing me with the gift of quick timing and sharp wit I try so desperately to exude, but somebody told me Woody Allen isn't a Muppet. While I doubt the validity of that objection, I still want to provide a completely bullet proof, air tight response. I would choose to be the conflation or transmogrification of Statler and Waldorf, thus making me the oldest crustiest, bitterest and wittiest Hater in the entire universe.

Lisa C., Frewsburg NY asks - "What really makes you tick?"

Paul: Eating clocks. No seriously. Here is a detailed chart:

Ian: What makes me tick is cities with made up names like "Frewsburg".

George C., Osan Kyongii-Do, Korea asks - "What kind of inside deal can I get on a Camry?"

Ian: My my my, you'd think people would learn by now to conduct themselves... ahem! conduct themselves, comport themselves with some discretion, y'know, on the up n up, as it were.

But, if you insist...

one for no, two for yes--

I can get you a three of a kind inside this deal on this camry. That's about all I can do for you. If you don't believe me, ask this man...

Sean H., Crafton PA asks: " can u define the term "Boosh?"

Paul: The Term was adapted from the Adult Swim show Frisky Dingo, where it can be used in a variety of ways.

Please take notice of the following video:

As you can tell BOOSH can be used as an interjection. EX: So John was walking in the parking lot and slipped on ice, Boosh! After using BOOSH comfortably it should become a phrase exemplifying Happiness, Excitement, or Success.

BOOSH can also be used as an adjective. EX: So I told the store clerk 4 quarters do make a dollar! The I was like, Boosh!

BOOSH is also used as an immediate additive to a suggestive phrase or story. It has quickly replaced the phrase "That's what she said" although it can follow the aforementioned phrase functioning as a suffix. EX: Yeah, she said she needs something long to fit in the rear. (to follow immediatly) Boosh. or "Yeah, she said she needs something long to fit in the rear." "That's what she said" "Boosh" Also BOOSH can be used to describe something being humiliated, defiled, or destroyed.


Now that you know how, and when to use the word BOOSH, please feel free to use it when it feels natural. It will make you a better person in society, I promise.

Ian: Once again, Paul has egg all over his post. He's failed to do his research, showing a blatant lack of respect for our noble Chux Chasers. Please allow me to clarify this glaring error of omission, as it's my mission.

The word boosh can be traced back to a misappropriation of the Old Norse term book (pron. əɔ˞儿ɻ), an almost perfect past tense conjugation of blrkrk meaning, roughly, "roughly." Sorry, but the exact meaning gets lost in translation. Of course, cunning linguists often dispute this story of origin, and it's alternately been traced back to latinate roots, as a conflation, or portmantau, of the words ambustio and scruta, meaning in the parlance of the plebians, "You got burned sucka!"

The modern definition is somewhat varied depending on what region you hold a conversation. And of course in India, boosh means the total opposite of what it does in America. Here are some additional theories to support this argument.

Emil H.
Pittsburgh PA asks- "Does a dead battery weigh less than a new one?"

Ian: As I understand this question, you're asking if batteries have souls or not. This topic is too serious to muddy up with crude jpegs and hyperlinks. We'll proceed slowly and stoically in the face of centuries of misunderstanding and misleading manipulation of figures, which started with Rene Descartes' famous decree that batteries are merely automatons and therefore have no souls. It's been used by special interest groups ever since as the most basic and base defense for subjecting these magnificent and majestic beings to series of tests, vivisections and sometimes torture, pure and simple. On behalf of the numerous Chux Chasers worldwide, I hit the road on a small budget in search of in depth, updated answers.

"Dead batteries DO way less, but its such a small amount its almost immeasurable." When I approached the creeps at the Battery Preservation Society, that's what they told me. That the soul of a battery is immeasurable, that it's practically negligible and not worth mentioning. I think it will take years of petitioning and violence before we ever truly begin shedding light on our cause, light that's probably produced by batteries!

I'm so mad I can't even continue!

Elizabeth C.
Jamestown NY asks-" Does a SuperHero wear underwear?"

Paul: The short answer is yes. Usually being blessed with superpowers comes with the inevitable curse of having a superior digestive system, and high metabolism. If a superheroes lifestyle requires food or water of any kind, they succumb to the handicap of not being able to control their bladder, or bowels efficiently.

You serious!
The problem first became addressed with Kryptonian superhero Superman, was attempting his very first car lift, and soiled himself after straining to keep the car steady in the middle of a Metropolis intersection. Frustrated and embarrassed, Superman knew there had to be an answer to this problem.

Superman looked all over the world for someone who could create an undergarment for someone with this affliction, and pair it with functionality out in the field. He had to fly all the way to Finalnd to find scientist Vasill Ludellmann. Vastill was very excited to tackle to the project as he worked on a synthetic material to not only absorb, but give Superman enough flexibility to pick up cars, and stop trains.

Vasill created the first undergarment made from Polypropylene, Cotton, and elastic to keep it in place. They were nicknamed JATS, short for the Finnish phrase Jattet on Mennyt meaning Waste Be Gone.

The first JATS test run was met with disastrous results where the solid waste would rip the fabric right off the test subject. Superman went through several tests soiling dozens of JATS all of them destroyed beyond recognition.

The second prototype Dr. Ludellmann weaved essentially steel wool in with the cotton to increase strength of the garment without sacrificing flexibility. Superman's liquid waste was held without incident, but solid waste still proved to be an issue during periods of super-speed where his pernium was irritated by the steel wool.

re-creation of final JATS prototype
The final prototype was a hybrid of fishing line wrapped in fine silk, paired with the cotton and Polypropylene. Superman found the garment to be not only soft, but able to handle the massive amount of solid waste his body processes a day. This final version of JATS was manufactured, and marketed to the few super heroes that existed at the time.

Today, JATS sells over 26.6 billion units a year to superheroes all over the world. The JATS industry, although not public, is a gigantic economic superpower worldwide. Dr. Ludellman pased away after trying to create JATS for nuclear powered super humans, but his influence on the hero community will never be forgotten.

Mandy S.,
Piitsburgh PA asks- Who would win in a cage fight: a hippogriff or a werewolf?

Ian: I want to start off by saying I do not promote or condone keeping mythical beasts in cages. They should be allowed to wander free and continue to mystify us and terrify (and eat) our children. So understand I'm answering this purely on a hypothetical basis and that my response is not meant to reflect or encourage the use of this information for personal gain or gambling purposes. That being said...

We need to inform ourselves of the background of the hippogriff, first discovered in 1965 AD (After Dinosaurs) at the Nuremburg International Toy Fair by one Denys Fisher... wait... Oh sorry, that's Spirograph. The hippogriff was actually created by a mad professor in the early 18th century. And we're all well aware of the werewolf's much more highly publicized origin. The first werewolf ever recorded was the result of being bitten by the original werewolf. No, the original werewolf...

So now that we all have a firm understanding of the contestants involved, let's make sure we all understand the rules. We can assume we're working with a standard size ring and cage apparatus. Basically, the first bohemoth to exit the ring by climbing the massive 16 foot side of the cage and hitting the ground on the other side wins. Let's analyze the hippogriffin's strategy: Since the cage is topless, our first opponent, in this corner, weighing in at 786 pounds without armor, could easily just take to the sky and safely land on the other side, thus celebrating the fastest cage-match ever and disappointing all the paying fans. A stipulation of many modern cage matches (from the 1850's on) requires that "no competitor shall be considered victorious if he be hoisted, lifted, or dissipated and rematerialized to any location or locale, hitherto and thusforth, outside the ring" which essentially states that without actually climbing the side of the cage, the hippogriffin would not actually win but only be standing outside waiting to be thrashed and torn asunder by the werewolf, who could easily leap over the cage, but is equally eager to and adept at climbing the side frantically.

Now, let's focus on the werewolf's cunning strategem: GrrRRRWLOLWWWoowwwRRrraaarrrrrgggHHHHHnoNOGRRRSnfssshhhHarrrll!!!!

Truly brilliant! Well, Mean Gene, I've seen both combatants separately in matches at my local f*ght cl*b, and I'd say that, barring any sneaky tactics from Orlando Furioso or any interferenence from that mummy whose tomb is buried directly beneath the center of the ring, I think both heavyweights here have a hard match ahead and will require intense training.

[ed. note--If you wanted the vegas odds, I'd say werewolf, for a number of reasons, but mostly because Harry Potter is lame.]

Erin H.
Pittsburgh PA asks- Which Clemente brother is the king of awesome?
King of Awesome Belt circa 1992

1991 The title was established in 1991 during a small scuffle over who got to play Final Fight for Super Nintendo first. The battle was short, and resolved quickly, but historians will tell you that Paul finished the conflict with his now retired ARM PUNCH. The first ever title was awarded in a small private ceremony in Paul's bedroom under his favorite Metallica poster.

The title remained uncontested for almost an entire 20 months, before the title was put on the line during a heated 7 game series between the Calgary Flames, and Boston Bruins. The platform of this battle was facilitated by NHL 93 for Super Nintendo. The series took all 7 games to determine the winner in a bloodbath of a series that included over 2000 penalty minutes, and 21 fighting majors. Ian's SC1 line of Fleury-Newendyk (Makarov replacement)-Roberts proved to be too much for the Neely-Oates-Carpenter line. It was then Ian earned his first King of Awesome title.

We never met to do any harm

In one of the most shocking events accounted for in the King of Awesome title history was during Paul and Ian's WPIX unlicensed radio broadcast. During a song, the surprise attack of George the Gorilla it was intermittently recorded during the Fine Young Cannibals hit song "She Drives Me Crazy". George the Gorilla surprised Ian with a series of a barrage arm flailing, and open hand slaps forcing him to submit the title after an admirable attempt to fend of his mystery attacker. George the Gorilla was then unveiled as one of Paul's "on-air" personas used to catch Ian off guard and capture the title for himself.


Eager to regain the title, and fresh off what some would say dirty tactics used by Paul to gain the title Ian rushed to challenge for the coveted belt sooner than later. During a particular difficult bowel movement an unaware Paul was ambushed by Ian armed with a moist bath towel. Ian's aim was true and precise hitting Paul in the testicles rendering helpless. Ian ended what was notated as the shorted reign of the King of Awesome title. Paul made a quick recovery after wards, and respected the despicable attack from his younger brother vowing revenge.

seized from 1995 battle site

During a once in a lifetime visit from estranged Aunt Agnes (yes she was real), Paul and Ian were barricaded in Ian's bedroom mulling over how to handle the awkward social situation. A strange mix of adrenaline, and nerves sent the Clemente brothers into an impromptu battle for the title. It was widely considered the most athletically challenging, and aesthetically pleasing battle in the history of the prestigious title. Sadly during the five star match Ian botched an over handed palm strike striking his head onto a nearby dresser. . Ian was knocked senseless from the hard wooden obstacle, and the fight ended almost immediately by TKO. Purists have made the argument that this battle could well have lasted more than a day, and the two combatants were at their peak fighting conditions. It was later that day where Paul presented Ian with a misprinted, and poorly copied issue of the Penny Saver. In attempts to gain a strategical advantage for their next battle Paul tried to convince Ian he was concussed, and his vision was clearly effected by the damage done to his head. Ian, thirsty for revenge, did not fall for it.

Weapon used for 1995 title.

In the first title fight outside of the Clemente household, Ian shocked the world by staging a Super Soaker assault during Plum Aqua's 3rd annual pre-teen party. The attack was said to have been masterfully coordinated, and precisely timed to where the title changed hands almost instantaneously. Paul humiliated swam to the deep end of the pool, and took out his frustrations with a dozen hatred fueled cannonballs.


Dramatic Reinactment
What was considered the most violent of all the title bouts, Paul reclaimed the title from Ian while trying to seize control over the remote control in the living room. Scientists have determined that the hormone levels of the two participants were at such a state of imbalance, which accounted for the high level of violence in this match. Ian was documented as watching VH1 on television where his opponent Paul, in a bold play for dominance, demanded the remote control from Ian's possession. Ian refused and Paul launched a risky full frontal attack which caught Ian by surprise, gaining him the advantage. Ian wisely retreated up to his bedroom to plan strategy, but was followed by a much more svelte and quicker Paul. Paul continued his assault on Ian by administering a textbook torture rack, followed by an attempted slam into Ian's workstation. Sadly, the unchecked act of mindless aggression cost Ian the King of Awesome title.


During this turbulent time, Paul, once again, attacked Ian in an unprovoked aggressive way. Leading psychiatrists say that Paul let the title blur the lines of right and wrong for him, and that nothing short of time would cure his temper. Ian was rummaging through albums in the family room innocently, when Paul taunted Ian into defending his honor. The phrase "piss-off" spiraled Paul into another surprising attack that spilled into the kitchen. Ian, who was not prepared for a match that day, did all that he could to subdue to violent actions of his older brother. This event is known as the only title retention is the glorious history of the King of Awesome title.


This was the longest period during the title defense of inactivity. Due to the aggressive tactics of Paul tainting the title's prestigious honor, and lack of interest, the title remained uncontested for over 3 years. In the year 2000, Paul's unmanageable attitude exiled him from the Clemente household, and Paul went into hiding for 11 months leaving the title impossible to contend for.


It wasn't until the death of Clemente patriarch and inspiration of the two brothers, George Vitai passed away. Paul came out of hiding to attend the funeral, and it was there Paul and Ian reestablished communication. During the wake however, a spirited battle ensued in private near the coat room. It was estimated 5 punches were thrown at a 40% success rate. The battle was good spirited as both brothers punched themselves into a brutal draw. The King of Awesome title was for the first time, was co-occupied by both brothers, and then retired.

2007 Reunion Match

Although the title was retired the Clemente brothers reunited for a reunion show during Halloween 2007. The match was one of the most technically proficient matches in King of Awesome history. Much to the protest of the party host, the battle raged onto the early morning. The turning point of the match was the surprising spiked DDT onto a tile floor rendering Paul dehabilitated. The battle raged outside into the cold fall night where Paul was tossed into a wooden fence making Ian the ceremonial winner of the title. Officially, the title stayed in both brother's name Ian pinned Paul that night cleanly in an incredible match.

2009: The last battle to date.
To date, this is the final match between Paul and Ian. This match was described more of a street fight than a King of Awesome match. This was a short match compared to the 07 Reunion Battle lasting only 3:17. Ian won again with brutal efficiency, and Paul (now 8 years retired) was no match for his younger brother. Ian won his second consecutive match, but officially the title never changed hands.

As of today, there are no scheduled matches in the near future, and the King of Awesome title has not been competed for since 1997. What's next for the long abandoned, but well respected honor is still unknown. I would not rule out a charity match in the future, but the days of competing for the strap are long gone.

Ian: Wow, you've raised a pretty sensitive topic here. And as isn't surprising, Paul has it all wrong in his blind quest for hits! I shouldn't blame him, though, as he may be trying simply to repress the horrors we suffered early on, horrors that led to the creation of an actual King of Awesome title, and accompanying papier machee belt. Clearly, you're aware of the twisted and mangled childhood we endured for many years (some of us longer than others and some of us who have not yet outgrown it). There are an additional two Clemente brothers, as many may already know (the fact, though well hidden for nearly 30 years, was made public in the 2006 docu-drama Men's Needs), Mervin and Elephant Head, so named for his disproportionately large noodly appendage. We called him Ethel for short.

Amongst the facts not revealed in our unauthorized bio-pic was that Mervin refused to participate in our parents' rigid daily training designed to mold us into performers worthy of rivaling only the Dunk Brothers in popularity. Mervin often whined, "I don't wanna dunk!" and was threatened incessantly, featuring such hits as, "You will dunk or you will be destoryed!" Mervin had a nasty habit of locking himself in a closet downstairs and watching Night Court on his portable TV. His wheedling laughter would pierce through our skulls as we attempted to carry on with our nightly game of Parcheesi. Paul and I woke up one morning and Mervin was gone.

The rest is in the film, and the rest is true. What's not even mentioned though is that we did have another brother! No one really knows what happened to Ethel, but we suspect he hasn't gone the way of Mervin and still lurks in the depths of our dog-hair-sculpture-cluttered attic, still misformed and disfigured, but still unconfirmed and MIA. For us, Ethel, for all his humor and sexy build, will always remain, in the world of Clementes, the King of Awesome, where ever you are...

Olivia D., Erie, PA asks: "My neighbor is great but I think she is interested in my husband. She has always been very nice to me and my family but she's just a little too handsy and flirty with my husband. At our sunday bbq she spilled her mojito on my husband's lap! And tried to pat him down with a napkin! My husband was very uncomfortable. So my question is what should I do? Should I confront this woman? How do I handle her?"

Paul:  Whoa whoa whoa there slow down!  One question at a time!  We'll cut you off at "What Should I do?"   Our responsibility on Ask A Clemente Fridays  is that we get all the facts before offering a thought and thoroughly researched answer.  We're on the case!

First off, you need to get check yourself because we can't go around just getting suspicious of people because they have extra hands.  I'm absolutely sick of people with genetic mutations getting a bum rap because they're different.  One week it's because they don't have enough arms and the next it's because they have too many hands.  Enough.  You can't hold it against people for how they're made.

Next, we need to investigate the incident surrounding the spilled mojito.  You say it happened during a bbq.  You need to tell us exactly what kind of charcoal was being used, since some charcoal is so black and of such a profound density that it actually causes disturbances in the gravity of the surrounding area and usually causes most alcoholic drinks to spill throughout the evening.  Be sure to take into your calculation, the weight of the sweetener in the beverage.  If it was cane sugar, then the charoal would have easily upset the delicate balance of the already weighty drink, but if it was sweet n low, then you have real reason to be suspicious.

Either way, you need to keep your eyes on all the drinks at your bbq's to prevent mass spillage disasters.

Now, I need to ask even though it's a sensitive topic:  What about the pat down made your husband uncomfortable?  Someone as handsy as your neighbor probably has an advantage over most over patters, since even if her hands were full, she would still have an extra hand to use, instead of using her elbow, which is a common beginner's mistake.  Was your husband already uncomfortable and her pat down an attempt to comfort him in your absence?  How often and vigorously do you pat down your husband?  Was it different from how you usually pat him down?  What brand of napkin was it?  Please don't tell me it was generic!

Finally we need you to be honest.  You say you're neighbor's "really great" and "sexy" so, who is it you're really jealous of?  Are you upset because your amazingly attractive neighbor doesn't find you interesting enough to stain???  It also might just be that your husband is actually a really interesting guy. Maybe there isn't anyone to be jealous of in the first place.  It looks like you haven't considered the obvious.

But whether it's your fault or not, confront this woman immediately.  Handling her will be extremely difficult since she, with all her handsiness, certainly has you beat in the handling Department, hands down.  Really, there only seems to be one way to deal with this woman in the end. Fortunately for you, you're asking ConstruxNunchux, Once and Future home of all things revenge.  No one knows how to plan, execute or conceal disgusting acts of retribution better than the Clementes.  It usually involves urine filled 2 liter bottles leaned up against doorframes.  But due to legal reasons, we can't tell you how to go about it in such a widely public forum... We can only hint that it involves a three-legged race.

Ian:  One wordThreesome.

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