Rip Taylor

The REAL Rip Taylor #8: (Pinstriped) Pursuits of Justice

12:39:00 AMPaul

The year is 1889 and Rip is on his way to a sold-out charity roast of Queen Victoria when he noticed a wanted poster briefly encapsulating the horrific deeds perpatrated by the then-at-large "Jack the Ripper." It implored at citizens with information to step forward as soon as possible. After the evening's performance and perhaps a sherry too many, Rip had forgotten about the initial scare it'd given him. On his way out of the hall, though, he had re-read the poster and to impress the royalty and upper-crust exiting alongside him, scoffed, "Jack the Ripper. Ha! He's never met Rip the" after nervously glancing sideways and loosening his collar, Rip was outfitted as a Junior Deputy Constable.

"Well, I was on the case from that point on." He told the chief, "You just don't go making promises to queens all willy-nilly..." once again, Rip gritted his teeth, but covered his gaffe by continuing with a story of a trans-sexual he had worked with in Bejing named William Nilé (né Taylor). Within months, even under the constraints of his honorary status, Rip closed in on the villain and the murders connected with him rapidly diminished and eventually seemed to cease altogether. While Rip has remained rather hazy on how he came to accomplish so much in such little time ("Trust me, the drugs were great back in those days!")...

...but general consensus is that it's his masterful command of the Queen's English (ahem!) that enabled him to locate the purported victims only moments after their gory demise and before any civilians even reported the crimes. In fact, as the first non-uniformed officer to be granted permission to re-read the famous "From Hell" letter, Rip slammed down his monocle, exlaimed, "From HellOOOOOOO! This guy's nuts... and I'm not talkin macadamia!" and was off in a flash of confetti and justice.

Soon after solving the so-named Whitechapel Murders, Rip deigned to assist police on other "grizzly scenes", though initially he misunderstood entirely what they meant. Rip was rarely fazed by what he saw and eventually began to grate on the police force, by arriving on scene with such hastily prepared quips as, "Oh Honey, those sheets are Killer!" or "Dismembered! What about This Member! That's right, I belong to the Billy Club!" He was often overheard badgering witnesses with plugs for upcoming turn in Oscar Wilde's Richard III as the titular character.

When asked if he would consider being constabled full-time in lieu of his burgeoning theatrical career, Rip replied, "Constabled...I haven't had a proper bowel movement since I started eating this British food! Ugh!" He parted ways with Scotland Yard shortly thereafter, however, he's since referred to the expereience favorably (aside from wearing a "damn tit on [his] head"), recalling his time as as London's Bobby-pin. When asked what that means, Rip said, "Just pin me between two bobbies and you'll find out!"

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