Ask a Clemente 2/4/11

12:36:00 PMPaul

Ernie H. Cheektowaga NY asks: "Where was Jesus for the 3 days between his death and resurrection?"

Paul: In the year 28 A.D. (although debatable I guess) Jesus was crucified by the Romans for "spreadin' shit" about Pontius Pilate's wife for being fat saying, "If I had to create bread and fish just for her 4999 people would've went hungry." Pontius then ordered for Jesus to be crucified, and the rest is history (literally).

I'm not mad, just disappointed.

What most people don't know is the events occurring directly after the crucifixion. Jesus, using his magic, was totally fine after being left to die on the cross, he faked being dead to be left alone by all the angry Romans. Although not hurt, he was stuck on the cross long into the night not being able to wiggle free. Once free and safely on the ground, Jesus knew he had a little bit of time to himself before he had to come back, and seek revenge.

A peaceful man by nature, and with time on his hands Jesus went to wander the Earth to enjoy the peace and quiet the rumor of his death will undoubtedly provide. It was very late, and the temperature was dipping into the high 40's Jesus looked for shelter, and a place to sleep for a few hours before enjoying his short career of anonymity. He found a cave in the distance and flew over to the opening peaking inside to see if it was empty or not.

Approaching the cave, he found a small pack of Raptors. Taken back due to his limited experiences with dinosaurs, he smiled and walked up to the Raptors with a smile and an open hand. The Raptor's acted with cautious aggression by hissing and receding back into the darkness of the cave. Jesus created some fish, and offered the scared beast some food in exchange for a place to rest. The Raptor sniffed the scaly meal and snapped at it catching the tip of Jesus' finger. Jesus looked at his bloody finger tip, and tried to sort out his emotions in a quick and rational way. At this moment, he knew, all dinosaurs must pay.

who's there, please?

Sorry, friend.

For two days, Jesus sought out all remaining existing dinosaurs and destroy them. Luckily the population of dinosaurs in Jerusalem were limited to a few dozen or so, as Jesus systematically eliminated all remaining of them on Earth.

Chasing his final dinosaur he came upon what appeared to be his tomb. He snagged a Compsognathus by the thoat and gets caught off guard by two women one named Mary Magdalene. His cover was blown. He snapped the small dinosaur's neck to the horror of the women and he knew he had to think quick. He looked the two women, and smiled .... "I'm back bitches!"

Now keep your mouth shut

Ian: Of course, I'd expect Paul to spout that utter trash just trying to cash in on all those poor suckers with gullible minds. His answer couldn't be further from the truth, and those of us who are truly devout deserve to expose the true reasons for the disappearance of our lord.

The period referred to in the question is commonly known in the Common Era as Jesus' "Lost Weekend." During this time, he flew to Los Angeles, and hob-nobbed with many notable failures of the time. Of course, he ran into John Lennon, as you'd expect. They got along quite well, as a matter of fact, and jokes abounded, Jesus remarking, "You know, out of all the apostles, Ringo was my favorite..." They drank Brandy Alexanders, heckled the Smothers Brothers, smothered the Heckles Brothers, and recorded two miserable albums. In fact, Jesus and Lennon became inseparable. Little did the one guy know that the other guy was having a lot of a affairs. A lot. Though in good humor, Jesus once brought up Lennon's famous remark and the two decided to test who was truly bigger. So, Harry Nilsson got out his yard stick (the Ladies know what I mean!) and said, "Back to back, bitches."

Erin H.McKeesport PA asks: "what are your thoughts on congress' attempt to redefine the word rape?"

Ian: I have caught this news story from several sources and it's clear there's a lot of confusion about what's going on. No government is trying to redefine the word rape. They can't. The word was never defined to begin with. Because we have to start with a Definition of No. What does No mean? Ladies?? Secondly, I'm required by law to let you know my intention to redefine your underwear...

But what are my thoughts? Personally? I would say I'm bitter. See, I had originally proposed a renaming of the crime, not a redefinition of the word. Before starting pro-bono work on CXNX for the public, both Paul and I held jobs as competing lobbyists. I supported a bill to rename rape as Michael McDonald. By attaching this foresty visage and unforgettably grating voice to any crime one would ensure that anyone who even briefly considers the act would automatically associate it with such a displeasing image as to kill not only an unlawfully rampant sex drive, but motivation to do anything other than jam an entire package of Q-Tips into one's ears and surrepetitiously view snuff films just to erase the aural and visual stain that is Michael McDonald. As you can easily predict, Paul lobbied for the campaign to re-name rape Peter Cetera...

Elizabeth Y., Murrysville PA asks: "What can I invent in 2011 that is going to make me a million dollars?"

Ian: In my line of work, I run into a lot of geniuses. I also call them nerds and take their nerd goggles. In your case, I'll make an exception. Having recently succeeded in redefining the word invention, Congress has published a list of acceptable products for the year 2011 A.D. (After Dinosaurs). Due to a loophole, there are two items not included on that list: The first one is the wheel.

Secondly, you could invent a machine that makes a million dollars. Now let's go over the specs...

I would sugest inventing the Million Dollar idea helmet, but I've already patented it.

[ed. note the answer for this particular question are pending copyright]

Or just ask this guy:

Mandy S.Pittsburgh PA asks: "What is Bob Barker's lifespan?"

I'm a scoundrel, so what?

Paul: It was 1972, and Bob was chosen to take over the re-vamped version of the 50's popular game show the Price is Right. During some rehearsals, and sound checks Bob was approached backstage by a young beautiful woman who engaged him immediately in conversation. Being a man of his status fresh off hosting The Family Game, Bob was no stranger to ladies propositioning to him. He turned on the charm as only he could and smiled at her and spoke to her poetically, about how captivating she was to him. He offered her a night's stay at the Holiday Inn he was staying at that night with a wink and a nod.

The first episode was filmed, and wrapped to print. Bob went back to his hotel room eagerly anticipating a wild night with his new lady friend. Before he could adjust to the darkness of the room he was grabbed by the young lady, and throw onto the bed. Bob quipped, "Wow, come on down ..."A cold hand then snapped around his neck as he saw the beautiful lady with focused eyes. He asked her what she wanted from him, as he became helpless under her surprising strength. She smiled revealing fangs under her painted lips. Bob was scared, as she tried to calm him down. "Do you want to live forever?" she asked. Bob was stunned. He recognized her from the Woman's Rights movie The Broad Coalition which was filming in the lot down from his. He used to come by around lunch time and take the extras back to his hotel room, and eat the superior movie catering to his TV studio.

Like you're surprised?

"I know you, you're Phylicia right?" Bob nervously answered. She nodded and sunk her teeth into his orange tanned neck. Years later, Phylicia Rashad and Bob Barker kept in touch as their respective careers blossomed. They attend bi-monthly celebrity vampire meetings, and discuss who is worth of immortality, and who needs to be eliminated. Bob will always admit he is grateful for the gift she gave him that night, and the reason behind turning him will forever remain a mystery. Bob's has been heard saying he will leave this earthly realm "when is work here is finished". The meaning behind that may be intentionally cryptic, but until he's gone we will enjoy the happiness he gives to us everyday.

Mark K.Cincinatti OH asks: "What area of wilderness was Woods Madness filmed in?"

Paul: I really don't remember much about the events that proceeded the filming of Woods Madness. Ian was visiting me to celebrate my daughter's birthday, and Halloween collectively. The night before Halloween, Ian and I were drinking and playing Playstation when he came up with the idea to drink Zima, and take some of these pills he had in his wallet. It wasn't my idea of a good time, but he was so charming and persuasive. He told me that only one Zima will do, then we can go back to having fun, and watching Tokyo Gore Police. I must have went to bed after that because I don't remember much of the rest of the night. I woke up that morning freezing in the woods. I was more confused than mad, as the rest of the afternoon we tried to find our way back home. You know the rest from there I guess ...

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