cry for help diary of a madman

Diary of a Manman #8

10:14:00 PMPaul

This latest endeavor with the cliche name is another selfish act of mine to add to my digital epitaph. These entries are taken from a small pile of composition notebooks dating from 2008-2011. Most of these ideas were the foundation of construxnunchux to be used as a digital diary for Ian and I. I am going to transcribe some of the scribblings inside of these notebooks to share with you all. My goal always is to entertain but also to add to the deeply personal nature of this website. Enjoy.


where have you been my baby girl?
my apple blossom who i promised the world to
where did you go?
what took your smile my baby girl?
you shouldn't have to feel this pain
its too soon for the this world to blow out your flame
youre made of clay my baby girl
youre too young for scars scorn and doubt
im sorry ive failed you baby girl
to keep those monsters i swore weren't real from your strong red heart
your window is closing baby girl
before life turns cold, cruel, and confusing
ive done all i can baby girl
i never wanted you to be me
i used to be stronger you see
i wanted to hold you as long as i could before it was gone
ive told you not to cry baby girl
when thats all i do in the dark
to stain my pillows with tears, succumb to my fears, 
when the person you needed wasn't here
now ive lost you baby girl
youre growing up a stranger and i no longer know
what powers your steps or what your laugh sounds like
ive lost you
it was my worst fear
my biggest failure
my biggest price
youre all i had baby girl
the only proof that i had that i was real
im sorry
i know i promised id fix it all but i failed
i tried
i as willing to sacrifice everything
and i failed you ...
daddy is an imperfect, hurtful, coward
daddy is now dad, and soon will be father
i dreamed of us sharing snapshots of smiles but we broke you
its not your fault!
i was lost, and youll be lost too when youre my age
generations of broken toys
doomed forever to be playing with boats in the sand.

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