diary of a madman

Diary of a Madman: 5

9:42:00 AMPaul

This latest endeavour with the cliche name is another selfish act of mine to add to my digital epitaph. These entries are taken from a small pile of composition notebooks dating from 2008-2011. Most of these ideas were the foundation of construxnunchux to be used as a digital diary for Ian and I. I am going to transcribe some of the scribblings inside of these notebooks to share with you all. My goal always is to entertain but also to add to the deeply personal nature of this website.  Enjoy.

[Editor's Note: This little one is when I realized the medication I was on was starting to change me]

I need this therapy ... again.
The chemicals inside of me are parasitic and manipulative
My brain is tied down with metal wire
My self-destruction is numbed
My contempt is stifled.
Nothing inspires me. Its all just monochromatic impulses.

The Electricity that courses through my brain, manipulates me
like a broken marionette.
My eyes are dull and cloudy
My hands move autonomously
I am a human auto-pilot

(scribbled underneath: "Hashbrowns: an excuse to have french fries in the morning)

[Editor's Note: This one is about a brief period of time in my life where I would cut myself. This was before "cutting" was really a public concern and I really didn't understand why I did it.]

I cut to punish, to teach, and to overcome.
Pain is deserved and earned.
Blood is just New Year's confetti.
Scars are badges, memorabilia and maps.
Tolerating the sting is a challenge bested.
Digging deeper making sure the fleshy brand stains my skin.
When I slice and hack, I bleed and my muscles contract.
I feel relief.
The shiver down my spine a ghost thanking me for my sacrifice.

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