Ask A Clemente 2/25

8:24:00 AMPaul

Emil H.
Pittsburgh PA asks- "Does a dead battery weigh less than a new one?"

Ian: As I understand this question, you're asking if batteries have souls or not. This topic is too serious to muddy up with crude jpegs and hyperlinks. We'll proceed slowly and stoically in the face of centuries of misunderstanding and misleading manipulation of figures, which started with Rene Descartes' famous decree that batteries are merely automatons and therefore have no souls. It's been used by special interest groups ever since as the most basic and base defense for subjecting these magnificent and majestic beings to series of tests, vivisections and sometimes torture, pure and simple. On behalf of the numerous Chux Chasers worldwide, I hit the road on a small budget in search of in depth, updated answers.

"Dead batteries DO way less, but its such a small amount its almost immeasurable." When I approached the creeps at the Battery Preservation Society, that's what they told me. That the soul of a battery is immeasurable, that it's practically negligible and not worth mentioning. I think it will take years of petitioning and violence before we ever truly begin shedding light on our cause, light that's probably produced by batteries!

I'm so mad I can't even continue!

Elizabeth C.
Jamestown NY asks-" Does a SuperHero wear underwear?"

Paul: The short answer is yes. Usually being blessed with superpowers comes with the inevitable curse of having a superior digestive system, and high metabolism. If a superheroes lifestyle requires food or water of any kind, they succumb to the handicap of not being able to control their bladder, or bowels efficiently.

You serious!
The problem first became addressed with Kryptonian superhero Superman, was attempting his very first car lift, and soiled himself after straining to keep the car steady in the middle of a Metropolis intersection. Frustrated and embarrassed, Superman knew there had to be an answer to this problem.

Superman looked all over the world for someone who could create an undergarment for someone with this affliction, and pair it with functionality out in the field. He had to fly all the way to Finalnd to find scientist Vasill Ludellmann. Vastill was very excited to tackle to the project as he worked on a synthetic material to not only absorb, but give Superman enough flexibility to pick up cars, and stop trains.

Vasill created the first undergarment made from Polypropylene, Cotton, and elastic to keep it in place. They were nicknamed JATS, short for the Finnish phrase Jattet on Mennyt meaning Waste Be Gone.

The first JATS test run was met with disastrous results where the solid waste would rip the fabric right off the test subject. Superman went through several tests soiling dozens of JATS all of them destroyed beyond recognition.

The second prototype Dr. Ludellmann weaved essentially steel wool in with the cotton to increase strength of the garment without sacrificing flexibility. Superman's liquid waste was held without incident, but solid waste still proved to be an issue during periods of super-speed where his pernium was irritated by the steel wool.

re-creation of final JATS prototype
The final prototype was a hybrid of fishing line wrapped in fine silk, paired with the cotton and Polypropylene. Superman found the garment to be not only soft, but able to handle the massive amount of solid waste his body processes a day. This final version of JATS was manufactured, and marketed to the few super heroes that existed at the time.

Today, JATS sells over 26.6 billion units a year to superheroes all over the world. The JATS industry, although not public, is a gigantic economic superpower worldwide. Dr. Ludellman pased away after trying to create JATS for nuclear powered super humans, but his influence on the hero community will never be forgotten.

Mandy S.,
Piitsburgh PA asks- Who would win in a cage fight: a hippogriff or a werewolf?

Ian: I want to start off by saying I do not promote or condone keeping mythical beasts in cages. They should be allowed to wander free and continue to mystify us and terrify (and eat) our children. So understand I'm answering this purely on a hypothetical basis and that my response is not meant to reflect or encourage the use of this information for personal gain or gambling purposes. That being said...

We need to inform ourselves of the background of the hippogriff, first discovered in 1965 AD (After Dinosaurs) at the Nuremburg International Toy Fair by one Denys Fisher... wait... Oh sorry, that's Spirograph. The hippogriff was actually created by a mad professor in the early 18th century. And we're all well aware of the werewolf's much more highly publicized origin. The first werewolf ever recorded was the result of being bitten by the original werewolf. No, the original werewolf...

So now that we all have a firm understanding of the contestants involved, let's make sure we all understand the rules. We can assume we're working with a standard size ring and cage apparatus. Basically, the first bohemoth to exit the ring by climbing the massive 16 foot side of the cage and hitting the ground on the other side wins. Let's analyze the hippogriffin's strategy: Since the cage is topless, our first opponent, in this corner, weighing in at 786 pounds without armor, could easily just take to the sky and safely land on the other side, thus celebrating the fastest cage-match ever and disappointing all the paying fans. A stipulation of many modern cage matches (from the 1850's on) requires that "no competitor shall be considered victorious if he be hoisted, lifted, or dissipated and rematerialized to any location or locale, hitherto and thusforth, outside the ring" which essentially states that without actually climbing the side of the cage, the hippogriffin would not actually win but only be standing outside waiting to be thrashed and torn asunder by the werewolf, who could easily leap over the cage, but is equally eager to and adept at climbing the side frantically.

Now, let's focus on the werewolf's cunning strategem: GrrRRRWLOLWWWoowwwRRrraaarrrrrgggHHHHHnoNOGRRRSnfssshhhHarrrll!!!!

Truly brilliant! Well, Mean Gene, I've seen both combatants separately in matches at my local f*ght cl*b, and I'd say that, barring any sneaky tactics from Orlando Furioso or any interferenence from that mummy whose tomb is buried directly beneath the center of the ring, I think both heavyweights here have a hard match ahead and will require intense training.

[ed. note--If you wanted the vegas odds, I'd say werewolf, for a number of reasons, but mostly because Harry Potter is lame.]

Erin H.
Pittsburgh PA asks- Which Clemente brother is the king of awesome?
King of Awesome Belt circa 1992

1991 The title was established in 1991 during a small scuffle over who got to play Final Fight for Super Nintendo first. The battle was short, and resolved quickly, but historians will tell you that Paul finished the conflict with his now retired ARM PUNCH. The first ever title was awarded in a small private ceremony in Paul's bedroom under his favorite Metallica poster.

The title remained uncontested for almost an entire 20 months, before the title was put on the line during a heated 7 game series between the Calgary Flames, and Boston Bruins. The platform of this battle was facilitated by NHL 93 for Super Nintendo. The series took all 7 games to determine the winner in a bloodbath of a series that included over 2000 penalty minutes, and 21 fighting majors. Ian's SC1 line of Fleury-Newendyk (Makarov replacement)-Roberts proved to be too much for the Neely-Oates-Carpenter line. It was then Ian earned his first King of Awesome title.

We never met to do any harm

In one of the most shocking events accounted for in the King of Awesome title history was during Paul and Ian's WPIX unlicensed radio broadcast. During a song, the surprise attack of George the Gorilla it was intermittently recorded during the Fine Young Cannibals hit song "She Drives Me Crazy". George the Gorilla surprised Ian with a series of a barrage arm flailing, and open hand slaps forcing him to submit the title after an admirable attempt to fend of his mystery attacker. George the Gorilla was then unveiled as one of Paul's "on-air" personas used to catch Ian off guard and capture the title for himself.


Eager to regain the title, and fresh off what some would say dirty tactics used by Paul to gain the title Ian rushed to challenge for the coveted belt sooner than later. During a particular difficult bowel movement an unaware Paul was ambushed by Ian armed with a moist bath towel. Ian's aim was true and precise hitting Paul in the testicles rendering helpless. Ian ended what was notated as the shorted reign of the King of Awesome title. Paul made a quick recovery after wards, and respected the despicable attack from his younger brother vowing revenge.

seized from 1995 battle site

During a once in a lifetime visit from estranged Aunt Agnes (yes she was real), Paul and Ian were barricaded in Ian's bedroom mulling over how to handle the awkward social situation. A strange mix of adrenaline, and nerves sent the Clemente brothers into an impromptu battle for the title. It was widely considered the most athletically challenging, and aesthetically pleasing battle in the history of the prestigious title. Sadly during the five star match Ian botched an over handed palm strike striking his head onto a nearby dresser. . Ian was knocked senseless from the hard wooden obstacle, and the fight ended almost immediately by TKO. Purists have made the argument that this battle could well have lasted more than a day, and the two combatants were at their peak fighting conditions. It was later that day where Paul presented Ian with a misprinted, and poorly copied issue of the Penny Saver. In attempts to gain a strategical advantage for their next battle Paul tried to convince Ian he was concussed, and his vision was clearly effected by the damage done to his head. Ian, thirsty for revenge, did not fall for it.

Weapon used for 1995 title.

In the first title fight outside of the Clemente household, Ian shocked the world by staging a Super Soaker assault during Plum Aqua's 3rd annual pre-teen party. The attack was said to have been masterfully coordinated, and precisely timed to where the title changed hands almost instantaneously. Paul humiliated swam to the deep end of the pool, and took out his frustrations with a dozen hatred fueled cannonballs.


Dramatic Reinactment
What was considered the most violent of all the title bouts, Paul reclaimed the title from Ian while trying to seize control over the remote control in the living room. Scientists have determined that the hormone levels of the two participants were at such a state of imbalance, which accounted for the high level of violence in this match. Ian was documented as watching VH1 on television where his opponent Paul, in a bold play for dominance, demanded the remote control from Ian's possession. Ian refused and Paul launched a risky full frontal attack which caught Ian by surprise, gaining him the advantage. Ian wisely retreated up to his bedroom to plan strategy, but was followed by a much more svelte and quicker Paul. Paul continued his assault on Ian by administering a textbook torture rack, followed by an attempted slam into Ian's workstation. Sadly, the unchecked act of mindless aggression cost Ian the King of Awesome title.


During this turbulent time, Paul, once again, attacked Ian in an unprovoked aggressive way. Leading psychiatrists say that Paul let the title blur the lines of right and wrong for him, and that nothing short of time would cure his temper. Ian was rummaging through albums in the family room innocently, when Paul taunted Ian into defending his honor. The phrase "piss-off" spiraled Paul into another surprising attack that spilled into the kitchen. Ian, who was not prepared for a match that day, did all that he could to subdue to violent actions of his older brother. This event is known as the only title retention is the glorious history of the King of Awesome title.


This was the longest period during the title defense of inactivity. Due to the aggressive tactics of Paul tainting the title's prestigious honor, and lack of interest, the title remained uncontested for over 3 years. In the year 2000, Paul's unmanageable attitude exiled him from the Clemente household, and Paul went into hiding for 11 months leaving the title impossible to contend for.


It wasn't until the death of Clemente patriarch and inspiration of the two brothers, George Vitai passed away. Paul came out of hiding to attend the funeral, and it was there Paul and Ian reestablished communication. During the wake however, a spirited battle ensued in private near the coat room. It was estimated 5 punches were thrown at a 40% success rate. The battle was good spirited as both brothers punched themselves into a brutal draw. The King of Awesome title was for the first time, was co-occupied by both brothers, and then retired.

2007 Reunion Match

Although the title was retired the Clemente brothers reunited for a reunion show during Halloween 2007. The match was one of the most technically proficient matches in King of Awesome history. Much to the protest of the party host, the battle raged onto the early morning. The turning point of the match was the surprising spiked DDT onto a tile floor rendering Paul dehabilitated. The battle raged outside into the cold fall night where Paul was tossed into a wooden fence making Ian the ceremonial winner of the title. Officially, the title stayed in both brother's name Ian pinned Paul that night cleanly in an incredible match.

2009: The last battle to date.
To date, this is the final match between Paul and Ian. This match was described more of a street fight than a King of Awesome match. This was a short match compared to the 07 Reunion Battle lasting only 3:17. Ian won again with brutal efficiency, and Paul (now 8 years retired) was no match for his younger brother. Ian won his second consecutive match, but officially the title never changed hands.

As of today, there are no scheduled matches in the near future, and the King of Awesome title has not been competed for since 1997. What's next for the long abandoned, but well respected honor is still unknown. I would not rule out a charity match in the future, but the days of competing for the strap are long gone.

Ian: Wow, you've raised a pretty sensitive topic here. And as isn't surprising, Paul has it all wrong in his blind quest for hits! I shouldn't blame him, though, as he may be trying simply to repress the horrors we suffered early on, horrors that led to the creation of an actual King of Awesome title, and accompanying papier machee belt. Clearly, you're aware of the twisted and mangled childhood we endured for many years (some of us longer than others and some of us who have not yet outgrown it). There are an additional two Clemente brothers, as many may already know (the fact, though well hidden for nearly 30 years, was made public in the 2006 docu-drama Men's Needs), Mervin and Elephant Head, so named for his disproportionately large noodly appendage. We called him Ethel for short.

Amongst the facts not revealed in our unauthorized bio-pic was that Mervin refused to participate in our parents' rigid daily training designed to mold us into performers worthy of rivaling only the Dunk Brothers in popularity. Mervin often whined, "I don't wanna dunk!" and was threatened incessantly, featuring such hits as, "You will dunk or you will be destoryed!" Mervin had a nasty habit of locking himself in a closet downstairs and watching Night Court on his portable TV. His wheedling laughter would pierce through our skulls as we attempted to carry on with our nightly game of Parcheesi. Paul and I woke up one morning and Mervin was gone.

The rest is in the film, and the rest is true. What's not even mentioned though is that we did have another brother! No one really knows what happened to Ethel, but we suspect he hasn't gone the way of Mervin and still lurks in the depths of our dog-hair-sculpture-cluttered attic, still misformed and disfigured, but still unconfirmed and MIA. For us, Ethel, for all his humor and sexy build, will always remain, in the world of Clementes, the King of Awesome, where ever you are...

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