Ask a Clemente 1/21/11

3:51:00 PMPaul

1. Dan B., Arnold PA.- "from the ever famous 'fight club'... "if u could fight anyone who would it be?" and why?"

Paul: I'd fight myself. I would be so happy to finally shut me the hell up, and take me down a
peg or two. I'm not sure what discipline I'd use against myself, but I know all my dirty tricks wouldn't work. I guess you all will have to tune into my Pay per View event March 6th, 2011 to see if I win.

Ian: If the question is who I could fight in the world of Fight Club, it would be this guy.

But if the question extends to anyone and why, then it'd probably be a lion...or a bear... or Ornette Coleman...

2. Vanessa S., Ambler PA Asks - "whats stronger a lion or a bear?"

Paul: I've never seen a lion do this:

Ian: Ornette Coleman is stronger than a lion or a bear... or not...But that which doesn't kill you...

3. Lisa C., Frewsburg NY- "Did you eat a lot of paint chips as a child?"

Paul: The short answer is yes. Although they were called "sleepy chips" by my parents. Looking back, we estimate we have ingested individually 7-8 ounces of paint between the ages of 3 and 8. It was primarily used as a disciplinary supplement, or a way of pacifying us if we had an abundance of energy. I personally recall the nightmares that followed a "sleepy chip" they were full of terrifying imagery that a young child can't really comprehend.

Ian: Not as many as I eat now! But if I had to give an actual figure, I'd use this.

4. Charlie D., Jamestown NY - " How does a flux capacitor work? what is the best way to generate 1.21 gigawatts of electricity without a bolt of lightning?"
Paul: Although he is a scientific mastermind, Doc Brown underestimated the power of a lightning bolt. A lightning bolt can produce up to 1 terrawatt, which could power 826.45 Time Traveling DMC-12 DeLoreans.
To answer your question more accurately though, and to debunk the Back to the Future III Time Train, the most probable way is harnessing the overall electrical output of 100,000,000 Toyota Prius' to send Doc and Marty to 1955. The Time Train that Doc rigged up to get Marty back to 1985 would have only generated 250kw, assuming he built an amazingly efficient steam electric generator. That would mean he would have needed hundreds of thousands of trains lined up longer than outside Sabrina Johnson's house. (look that joke up kids).

Ian: Essentially a flux capacitor works with a hand crank... oh wait, that's me. But a real flux capacitor only maintains a capacity for fluctuation, as the name indicates. It's not actually a "working" part of the machine, in that it doesn't produce an effect but is rather receives and processes input from other parts of the mechanical structure and other outside forces. The only function it truly serves is to keep a time machine operating on an fC to keep from appearing at random points in time (or being lost inside the time-space gap forever). It's primarily a control mechanism, eliminating as many variables as possible to the delicate venture that is temporal tampering but most theorists, such as Dr. William S. Preston, Esq. or Ornette Coleman, maintain that the fC is not only an inessential component, but detrimental to smooth travel, as its sensitivity and unpredictability interferes. If you ask most, they'll say magic. Basically, a flux capacitor doesn't work. Here's one final theory...

5. Allison C., Sewickly PA- "What kind of questions are you looking for?"

Paul: I'm not a superficial man, very happily married, but something like this I wouldn't mind.

Ian: My ideal question would like long walks through alleyways at sundown, long quiet nights listening to Ornette Coleman, gorilla masks, candlelit restaurants, looking at maps and saying "Ooh! I'd like to go there someday." My ideal question is misleading, deceitful and self-serving, if you catch my drift. My ideal question prefers impoverishment...wait, is this a MadLib???

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